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PoromaaPenpusher
Posted: February 5, 20152015-02-05T04:45:46+10:00 2015-02-05T04:45:46+10:00In: Public

When a virtuous father sexually connect with his son?s voyeuristic girlfriend, a sinful desire will put his beloved family and loving wife on stake, for discovering of submissive sex.

Follow the Rabbit

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    6 Reviews

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    1. Poromaa Penpusher
      2015-02-09T05:25:43+10:00Added an answer on February 9, 2015 at 5:25 am

      Thanks for the feedback! I need a stronger goal!

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    2. Poromaa Penpusher
      2015-02-09T05:25:43+10:00Added an answer on February 9, 2015 at 5:25 am

      Thanks for the feedback! I need a stronger goal!

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    3. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2015-02-07T07:49:09+10:00Added an answer on February 7, 2015 at 7:49 am

      The girlfriend likes to watch. How does that trigger anything in dad? Needs an incident and goal. They are in the story, the logline needs them.

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    4. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2015-02-07T07:49:09+10:00Added an answer on February 7, 2015 at 7:49 am

      The girlfriend likes to watch. How does that trigger anything in dad? Needs an incident and goal. They are in the story, the logline needs them.

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    5. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-02-06T12:05:15+10:00Added an answer on February 6, 2015 at 12:05 pm

      Cleaver wording and subtlety aside this logline reads a bit too cryptic for its own good.

      In what way does he connect with the girlfriend? This is the inciting incident I presume if so best to describe it clearly for the reader to envisage the event.

      The log line lacks a clear goal, what is it the MC wants? How is he going to achieve it?

      The process of deciding whether or not to schtupp the girlfriend will only last for the first few minutes of act 2, what happens after this?

      Rather similar to American Beauty would be worth while researching the structure of that script.

      Hope this helps.

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    6. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-02-06T12:05:15+10:00Added an answer on February 6, 2015 at 12:05 pm

      Cleaver wording and subtlety aside this logline reads a bit too cryptic for its own good.

      In what way does he connect with the girlfriend? This is the inciting incident I presume if so best to describe it clearly for the reader to envisage the event.

      The log line lacks a clear goal, what is it the MC wants? How is he going to achieve it?

      The process of deciding whether or not to schtupp the girlfriend will only last for the first few minutes of act 2, what happens after this?

      Rather similar to American Beauty would be worth while researching the structure of that script.

      Hope this helps.

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