When a young man discovers a magic sword that gives him the power to see the curse that he has due to his sins and that will guide him to the lost city where he will be healed, he will have to deal with the supreme leader of his former city as well as the guilt of past actions.
kalinthecelloboyPenpusher
When a young man discovers a magic sword that gives him the power to see the curse that he has due to his sins and that will guide him to the lost city where he will be healed, he will have to deal with the supreme leader of his former city as well as the guilt of past actions.
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Interesting premise.
Have you thought about:
A: Putting a face to the curse. The curse is a girl, perhaps shrouded in mist. A good name for this character would be Arai (Greek goddess of curses)
Arai constantly badgers the lead on every Rotten thing he has ever done. So as he journey’s the lead is constantly reminded of key incidences in his life where he did ignoble acts or lied. The final ‘flashback’ is the thing the lead did that got him cursed and began his journey
B: At the end of a journey is a magic pool, which removes curses. If he washes in the pool he will remove his ‘sins’ and Arai will be no more. But he realizes that those mistakes he made were all part of what made him who he is. So the story ends with him choosing not to wash in the pool and he and Arai set out on a new journey.
C: If there must be a final fight, then when he gets cursed, that act of being cursed not only creates Arai, his accuser, but also a demon. The Demon wants do stop the lead from getting to the pool.
So at the end when he reaches the poo he must face his demon and defeat it.
Once he had defeated his demon, that is when the lead gets peace and realizes he doesn’t need to get rid of his curse but learn from them and be stronger for them.
———–
Each ‘sin’ or curse that Arai accuses the lead of, should have a matching good deed.
Arai accuses him of lying, but we find out he lied to save someone’s feelings.
Arai accuses him of stealing but we find his mother was hungry and they had no money.
Arai accuses him of cursing the gods, and that is how is gets cursed with Arai but he didn’t curse that gods for his fate but he curses the gods on behalf of his good mother who passed away.
In conclusion, I don’t think the lead needs a magic sword, he gets cursed by the gods and she (Arai) is there to constantly chastice him for every bad thing he has ever done. But when he defeats his demon he realizes that everyone is flawed and it’s what you do with your flaws that counts.
Just some thoughts.
Very interesting ideas! I will take them into account 🙂
Possible title: “Awry”
Does the supreme leader have a magic sword? A magic anything? The logline doesn’t say. So the only assumption a logline reader can make is the leader does not. Which leads to the impression that from the gitgo, the odds are tilted in favor of the young man.
In drama, the odds should never be tilted in favor of the protagonist. The bad guys get all the breaks — the good guys get none. The protagonist has to win the old fashioned way. Not by magic but by hard work, sacrifice and suffering.
Thank you very much for answering!
You are absolutely right, in fact, the supreme leader is very powerful, and although he is strong in the sense that he also uses a type of “magic” and has an army, what he uses the most is his intelligent mind to deceive.
He would deceive the protagonist by telling him that he cannot be redeemed from his sins because he has failed the one who can redeem him and free him from his curse, and this is the protagonist’s internal conflict. Yet throughout his journey he will realize that it is not about being perfect or sinless, but rather about his desire to change and live for the good, that would somehow be his true liberation.
The powers of the supreme leader and his army are their last option, that is to say, that when one of those who lived under their dominions refuse to return to their city and obey after everything they are told they are ruthlessly destroyed either by them or by ordinary citizens.
Film is a visual medium Every element in a logline must refer to a person, place, event, or thing, that can be visualized on the screen. What is the visual for guilt ? What does it look like?
Loglines are not about internal conflicts or subjective issues. Loglines are about external conflicts in the struggle to obtain objective goals.
The visual for guilt is his curse, or rather his power to see it, I do not know if it is relevant but it is a kind of leprosy that grows at times because of his bad actions, eventually, it is known that the curse is the fault of the Supreme Leader.
All those who are unrepentant or aware of their wrongdoings cannot see the stains on their bodies, just like the protagonist, until he finds the magic sword.
Also, sorry if my English is not understood very well.
This is really hard to follow I’m afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too.
Pet peeve: “young man” – your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to you was asked to describe you in two words, and all they had to say was “young man” or “young woman”… surely you deserve a little more consideration. Well, so does your hero.
So this “young man” finds a magic sword that just happens to give him the power to see his curse AND show him the way to a lost city where he’ll be healed? The only thing standing in his way is the guy who ran the town that he’s left but I don’t know why. I feel like there needs to be more conflict. It’s too easy! We need to know why the Supreme Leader is after this guy. “Deal with” is incredibly vague too. Loglines thrive on specificity, so tell us, specifically, what the conflict is and why.
“deal with the guilt of past actions” – I’d probably cut this to be honest. You could add “repentant” as his characteristic and that would probably do the trick. What are his past sins though?
My thoughts are that the plot should actually start with the quest for the magic sword that the Supreme Leader is also after. Then there’s immediate conflict from the start and more plot to sustain the 90mins+ runtime. I would consider saying “guide him on a perilous journey” or something to at least suggest there are other threats in this fantasy world.
Thematically and from a plot perspective, why a sword? It’s not stated that any fighting is taking place so I’m wondering why a weapon.
Logline wise, at 59 words it’s too long, even for a Fantasy. I would try and focus on the conflict and the structure of your plot. What needs to happen, when, and who or what is standing in their way (and why in the case of the Supreme Leader). Once you feel you have the bare elements, try framing the logline around them. Focus on the external too. Leave stuff like “as well as the guilt of his past actions” on the cutting room floor because, in terms of what’s happening on screen, it’s meaningless as it’s happening inside the character’s head.
I realise I’ve waffled a bit here so I hope this helps.
Thank you so much for your answer! It helped me a lot, and good points, I’ll consider them 😀