The Face of Clarity (mk 2)
Michael PulliamPenpusher
When a young woman foresees her community?s catastrophic doom, she must choose between keeping a solemn promise – and telling the life-saving truth.
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Vague and lacks a clear compelling action line. It seems that she comes to a revelation around the turn of Act 1 — and then refuses to share it because of some “solemn promise”. For the entire 2nd Act she does… nothing. Except, as far as I can discern, wobble in indecision. How exciting is indecision to watch?
Whatever the nature of the “solemn promise” is, as a dramatic character she needs to commit to a course of action as a result of her revelation. She needs to strive toward an objective goal — not evade or waffle on one. It may be the wrong goal, but a dramatic goal must arise as a result of her revelation? What is that dramatic goal? What dramatic question does it raise?
Thank you! As soon as I posted, I realized I left out her concrete goal.
“When a young woman foresees her community?s catastrophic doom, she struggles to regain her ability to speak in order to make the ultimate choice – to keep a promise or tell the life-saving truth.”
Thoughts?
So she’s mute before her revelation? And can’t write?
And you still have her goal as choosing (later or sooner) instead of just doing. Dramatic objective goals are about doing — what comes AFTER the choosing — not the act of choosing, of deciding.
As Yoda told Luke Skywalker in Star Wars: “Do or not do. There is no try”, similarly in loglines, characters do not decide. Characters do not choose. In loglines, they do or not do.
As a result of the revelation, what does the young woman DO?
I would like to expand on my last comment because loglines describing characters facing a hard decision, a dilemma, are rather common. What’s the problem with that?
Dilemmas are a bad situation for the character — but a good situation for the story, right? Dilemmas create conflict, dramatic tension. Dilemmas constitute the moment of truth for a character in terms of his subjective need as well as his objective goal. So, yes, a character who becomes trapped between the horns of an authentic dilemma, where she’s damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t, is a worst case scenario for a character and a best case scenario for a script.
But the dilemma is not the plot. The dilemma is what the plot builds to. And a logline is about the plot, not what the plot build to, the dilemma.
Entailed in this version of your logline is a story line that creates a dilemma for your main character. And that’s good. But that’s not the plot. It’s the moment of truth the plot should build to.
What is the plot of her story that arises from her prophetic revelation? What is the objective goal she strives for that leads to leads her, unwittingly to that dilemma?
What sort of solemn promise could be made that would make a person question keeping that promise versus the death of people. It is too much to ask the reader to go along with. It must work in the context of your story, it just doesn’t work here.
I try to focus normally on people’s lines and not their story, but I think you need to,find the right beats in your story to put in your line.
Not sure I understand the story. Who did she make this amazingly string promise to, and why is it worth the lives of all those in the community?
Strong not string….sorry 🙂
I see the story as her promise not her struggle. The way it is positioned doesn’t the balance the drama. Sacrifice is choosing between two equal values. Saving lives or keeping a promises is not balanced. The secret must be huge so it needs describing.
If the promise is just a way of introducing stakes and a ticking clock for her rehab, there may be a better way.
Who did she make the promise to? Why do they want her to stay quiet? How is the promise connected to the catastrophic doom?