When an incorruptible young girl finds herself hired by a gang of thugs she faces prison time unless she can cover up or reverse their last crime.
JoLogliner
When an incorruptible young girl finds herself hired by a gang of thugs she faces prison time unless she can cover up or reverse their last crime.
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>>?The Disney Gang?
You might want to re-think that title.? The Disney Corp is fiercely protective, notoriously litigious about protecting their brand name.? Other than exploiting the name for commercial purposes, what purpose does it serve?? Which is to say, what is the dramatic purpose of naming it the “Disney Gang”.? What irreplaceable loss is there to the story by naming the gang something else?
Loglines are not about “lessons learned”?about ?loyalty, honest, love, or life .? Those lessons?pertain to subjective issues.? Loglines are about objective goals.? Save the “lessons learned” for the script.
So, as a result of discovering that she hired?herself out to criminals, what must she DO — not learn — but DO.? What becomes her objective goal?
What DPG wrote.
Also the logline is too long and delays plot descriptions until very late in the read, essentially everything before “…she discovers her caring employees are none other than the notorious underworld criminals…” can be deleted.
Otherwise in the next draft best to describe an event that motivates her to pursue an outer goal, where as her inner journey of learning the importance of either loyalty or honesty should only be hinted at in her flaw.
Hello, focus about 1 specific inciting incident (what really puts the story in motion).
It seems to me that the inciting incident is the discovery that her bosses?are gangsters :
When a incorruptible secretary discovers her bosses are gangsters … then what ?