BLACK BOX
When Air Force One crashes, a journalist discovers a cover up after gaining access to the plane?s black box data and must unravel the mystery.
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The logline is effective because it makes it easy to visualize a surprised and scared journalist. A three dimensional journalist, with conflicts and a character flaw, would add interest. We feel sympathy for him, and cheer for him, but need some reason to identify with him.
And is the Pres or Veep injured or killed in the accident? What’s at stake in terms of whose life was in jeopardy on the plane?
This scores good points for a very dramatic set up (the crashing of Air Force One), but the logline fails to excite the reader beyond that point (which is a real shame). Yes, a conspiracy is hinted at. And, yes, it’s an easy implication that there are likely to be suited agents out to “eliminate” the journalist. But the logline really should not have missed the opportunity to tell a little about the calibre of these agents. For example, “When … crashes, a journalist discovers a cover up. He must unravel the mystery before a ruthless and efficient black ops squad silences him forever.”
The words about the black box could easily be cut in preference to telling more about the stakes and the hunting agents.
I also have a technical quibble about how a journo would know how to interprete black box data in the first place. Isn’t this the expertise of a technician or engineer? Not a difficult point to fix, however. And not critical to the effectiveness of the logline.
Steven Fernandez (Judge)
This is only the inciting incident.
Exploit of the hook rather than the story in this case.