When an ?typical couple of thieves, tempted by the promise of money, get mixed up in the love triangle of two witches and a king, they will have to risk their lives to ensure the gates of hell remain shut.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
When an ?typical couple of thieves, tempted by the promise of money, get mixed up in the love triangle of two witches and a king, they will have to risk their lives to ensure the gates of hell remain shut.
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The wording is strange, but I think I understand what you mean.
It sounds like the highest stakes lay in the door to hell, best to focus the logline on that and cut the rest out. As Richiev pointed out, you need to connect the inciting incident with the goal, so if the goal is to prevent hell from taking over, what is it that puts the world at risk of hell in the first place? What event was it that suddenly made it possible for hell to breach through the door?
Since the logline has a solid goal for the characters, what set’s the story in motion should be directly related to that goal.
“When the king and his witch lovers unlock the doors of hell, two bumbling thieves who’ve broken into the castle must become?unlikely?heroes and stop the ritual before it unleashes an evil horde onto the land.”
When an ?typical couple of thieves?get mixed up in the love triangle of two Witches and King, they will have to risk their lives so that the door of hell remains locked.
I don’t see how it can be a love triangle if there are two witches and two thieves. ?You also refer to them as “the two Witches (which wouldn’t be capitalized). ?Why “the”? ?It implies we should know who the two witches are. ?(The first comma is also unneeded.)
Other than that, it sounds intriguing. ?Keeping the door to hell locked seems like it’s definitely an important goal.
I would drop the love triangle aspect from the logline because it doesn’t give us any story knowledge as written.