3rd attempt at this one, plese let me know if the protagonist goal etc are clearer now, dearest community.
maximdryginLogliner
When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship, she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits.
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I read your previous attempts and have to say this version is much better.
First your structure. You have all the necessary ingredients: the inciting incident: “finds her loved ones in financial hardship”, you have a clear goal “must use her lottery prediction to turn their lives around”, and the antagonist is the criminal lottery boss who wants to kill her.
That’s the first huge step in writing a good logline.
However, I’m not sure if financial hardship is enough in case of the stakes.
I get the financial point here, but I would go much further than that and write something like “bankruptcy” or “foreclosure” or maybe something along “protection money” if you want to write a thriller. That raises the stakes in a simple way.
Anyway, I’m curious to see what the others think of this.
I like it so far. Much better than the previous ones.
Maybe you can cut out the last few words.? 42 words is a little bit too long.
“When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship, she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits.” (43 words)
Inciting incident: “When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship” —> The inciting incident should describe a clear, single event. What does this mean? Are they are friends, or family? Did someone lose their house? Car? This is too vague.
Protagonist: “an altruistic math geek” —> Okay. It would be better if you used an adjective which described a flaw, hinting at an arc. Also it would be better to try to trim.
Goal: “she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits” —> This describes two goals. Both of which are vague. The first goal is that she tries to “turn their lives around”. What does that mean? Does she write them a check? Get them into a rehab program?
Then: ” risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits” implies that she must survive someone attacking her. This is 1) vague, and 2) passive.
https://thewritepractice.com/inciting-incident/
In order to find the correct inciting incident/goal, take a look at the climax of your story. The climax should be an?inevitable outcome resulting from the inciting incident. So, if the inciting incident is that she finds out her family needs her help, her goal should?only be to help her family. If the inciting incident is her getting attacked by the criminal boss, then her?only goal should be to defeat him.
Personally, it sounds like the real goal of the story is the crime boss storyline. The ‘B’ story is helping her family. The real story is that a woman has the ability to game the lottery, and she’s been found out. Now someone’s after her.
I think there may be a slight story problem.
If you hold a lottery and you sell 100 dollars worth of tickets, the prize will be 50 dollars. This is how the lottery makes money.
When a person wins the lottery, it doesn’t cut into the profits. The person who holds the lottery always makes a profit.
In other words, in a lottery, someone always wins. But the person who holds the lottery always makes money. They don’t actually lose money when there is a winner.