Penpusher
Posted: 2018-01-24T08:50:25+10:00 In:

When an arcane creature disembowels several Asian women in 1900s San Francisco, a war-weary army officer must team with a disparate group of social outcasts to expose the corrupt city leaders behind the monster?s bloodbath.

When an arcane creature disembowels several Asian women in 1900s San Francisco, a war-weary army officer must team with a disparate group of social outcasts to expose the corrupt city leaders behind the monster?s bloodbath.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      Thanks for the feedback, guys! I’ll work on it and hopefully post an edited logline soon.

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    2. Singularity

      The genre is horror — not mystery.? So I think horror ought to be the focal point in the logline.

      And since the story seems to be told from the pov of the protagonist, the logline should only contain information the protagonist is aware of at the time of inciting incident.? That a corrupt politician is behind seems to be? the Big Discovery. To include it in the logline would be a spoiler and loglines should not contain a spoiler.

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    3. Singularity

      dpg makes a good point, However, if you wish to keep the ‘uncovering the corruption’ as the goal then you need to add that to the beginning of the logline so the inciting incident and the goal match.

      “When a corrupt city council unleashes a violent arcane beast on the population of 19th century San Francisco…”

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    4. Singularity

      >>>to expose the corrupt city leaders behind the monster?s bloodbath

      What about taking out the creature?? Isn’t that priority #1, the central conflict that drives the story?? If so, the logline should be framed in terms of? the central conflict.? If not, why isn’t taking out the creature the central conflict?? ?

      And in the process discover the conspiracy behind the creature.? This is what’s called in drama “discovering the mountain beyond the mountain”.? The protagonist reaches his original objective goal in the 2nd half of the plot only to discover there’s another problem he must solve that’s causally related to the original problem — the mountain beyond the mountain.

      In such scenarios, the logline would still be written in terms of the 1st objective goal, not the additional goal discovered later.

      fwiw

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