When an experimental medical chamber explodes, the ensuing capital murder trial pits the accused mother of an autistic boy killed in the blast against the Korean immigrant owners. [28]
OR
During the capital murder trial following the deadly explosion of an experimental medical chamber, the Korean immigrant owners and other victims must decide whether to reveal the secrets that could exonerate the defendant, the mother of an autistic boy killed in the blast, but devastate their own families. [48] {For a novel – literary courtroom drama]
angieskimPenpusher
When an experimental medical chamber explodes, the ensuing capital murder trial pits the accused mother of an autistic boy killed in the blast against the Korean immigrant owners. [28] OR During the capital murder trial following the deadly explosion of an experimental medical chamber, the Korean immigrant owners and other victims must decide whether to reveal the secrets that could exonerate the defendant, the mother of an autistic boy killed in the blast, but devastate their own families. [48] {For a novel – literary courtroom drama]
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Agreed with Richiev and DPG.
It looks as if the interesting part of your logline is the dilemma the immigrants have as a result of being forced to choose between their own need and that of an innocent stranger. If this is the case then I suggest re structuring the plot in a way that the story elements, which create the dilemma, are? simpler and the cause and effect relationship binding them together is clear.
To add to what DPG says, what your logline is depicting is a situation. For it to be a story, after the inciting incident (The explosion) there would be a lead character who wants something and your logline is vague as to who that character is and what they want.
Unfortunately, I find?both versions raise more questions than answers.
I have no idea what?the “experimental medical chamber” is or?its specific medical purpose.? Nor can I grasp how a “capital murder” case arises out of the explosion.? Criminal manslaughter charges–maybe– and a civil wrongful death suit — yes.? But legally those are? different than capital murder charges which can only apply in cases there is willful and premeditated intent to kill.? That is, the chamber blew up because the owners deliberately intended it to blow up.? Did they?
So much for substantive issues.
As far as structural issues, the building blocks of a pithy and cogent logline,??it is unclear who the protagonist is or what is his or her specific objective goal. I refer you the “Training” section listed at the top of the web page for guidelines and suggestions.