Borto (Revision #1)
Lucius PaisleyLogliner
When an obstetrician turned part-man / part-foetal matter exacts his revenge on those responsible, he must rescue an innocent life to destroy a demon from his own mind made flesh.
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I don’t see how the event that mutilated the obstetrician brought about the demon, these two elements seam unrelated to each other.
I think best to either drop the demon from the plot and focus on the mutilation of the obstetrician and his revenge. Or begin the story with the demon and make the obstetrician need to fight the demon to save an innocent life.
It seams to me that this should either be a story of revenge set in a science fiction genre or a story of redemption set in a super natural thriller genre not both. Obviously this then presents a choice to be made in the structure with regards to the ethical debate the subject matter raises and requires a clear choice to be made about the stories stance on abortion.
I don’t see how the event that mutilated the obstetrician brought about the demon, these two elements seam unrelated to each other.
I think best to either drop the demon from the plot and focus on the mutilation of the obstetrician and his revenge. Or begin the story with the demon and make the obstetrician need to fight the demon to save an innocent life.
It seams to me that this should either be a story of revenge set in a science fiction genre or a story of redemption set in a super natural thriller genre not both. Obviously this then presents a choice to be made in the structure with regards to the ethical debate the subject matter raises and requires a clear choice to be made about the stories stance on abortion.
As Nir Shelter said. This version of the logline is more compact, but… it contains 3 objective goals: revenge X, rescue Y, and destroy Z. Which one is the most important? Which one drives the entire story?
As Nir Shelter said. This version of the logline is more compact, but… it contains 3 objective goals: revenge X, rescue Y, and destroy Z. Which one is the most important? Which one drives the entire story?
Seeing as I wanted to go the supernatural route anyway, I’ve come up with the following, which has been “worded up” for purposes of flow or whatever you wish to call it… –
‘Discovering his patients are being murdered in attacks on abortion clinics, an obstetrician turned part-man / part-foetal matter must stop the killer to save his now pregnant daughter.’
I figure if I want to go with redemption, make the ‘innocent life’ closer to the main character emotionally…
Seeing as I wanted to go the supernatural route anyway, I’ve come up with the following, which has been “worded up” for purposes of flow or whatever you wish to call it… –
‘Discovering his patients are being murdered in attacks on abortion clinics, an obstetrician turned part-man / part-foetal matter must stop the killer to save his now pregnant daughter.’
I figure if I want to go with redemption, make the ‘innocent life’ closer to the main character emotionally…
As “rescue Y” is a result of “destroy Z”, I think I’ve managed to straighten it out a little.
Either see new response above, or look below…
‘Discovering his patients are being murdered in attacks on abortion clinics, an obstetrician turned part-man / part-foetal matter must stop the killer to save his now pregnant daughter.’
At least now, whatever the problem, he has something to do and a reason for it…
As “rescue Y” is a result of “destroy Z”, I think I’ve managed to straighten it out a little.
Either see new response above, or look below…
‘Discovering his patients are being murdered in attacks on abortion clinics, an obstetrician turned part-man / part-foetal matter must stop the killer to save his now pregnant daughter.’
At least now, whatever the problem, he has something to do and a reason for it…
Better, but I fear that anyone reading it for the first time will stumble over “part-foetal”. So the question is will that hook their interest to read the script to at least find out what “part-foetal” means? Or will it give them an excuse not to read the script?
Being by temperament an expect-the worst, glass-half-empty kind of guy, my default position is that folks in the biz, being very busy, easily distracted, are always looking for an excuse not to read a script. So my philosophy is, don’t give them an excuse. Not one.
fwiw.
Better, but I fear that anyone reading it for the first time will stumble over “part-foetal”. So the question is will that hook their interest to read the script to at least find out what “part-foetal” means? Or will it give them an excuse not to read the script?
Being by temperament an expect-the worst, glass-half-empty kind of guy, my default position is that folks in the biz, being very busy, easily distracted, are always looking for an excuse not to read a script. So my philosophy is, don’t give them an excuse. Not one.
fwiw.
I originally went with part-abortion, but somebody didn’t understand what that meant. I can always hope potential readers are smarter than that guy.
I’ll probably go back to ‘part-abortion’ and either they’re grossed out by it or not, which is better than being confused.
At least then they might be interested enough in reading a treatment.
Still, minor tweaking to the logline needs to be done, but I think I’m there story-wise…
I originally went with part-abortion, but somebody didn’t understand what that meant. I can always hope potential readers are smarter than that guy.
I’ll probably go back to ‘part-abortion’ and either they’re grossed out by it or not, which is better than being confused.
At least then they might be interested enough in reading a treatment.
Still, minor tweaking to the logline needs to be done, but I think I’m there story-wise…
I’ll be the first to say the Foetal thing confused the hell outta me…What about this?
“After a string of attacks on an abortion clinic mutilate a doctor and leave several of his patients dead- he sets out for revenge; only to learn their new target is his pregnant daughter.”
Which- I don’t know why the anti abortionist would attack a pregnant woman but I don’t understand a lot of things about all of that.
You seemed to have otherworldly aspects in your original post…Not sure how that is in your story so I didn’t feel comfortable trying to shoehorn it in here.
I’ll be the first to say the Foetal thing confused the hell outta me…What about this?
“After a string of attacks on an abortion clinic mutilate a doctor and leave several of his patients dead- he sets out for revenge; only to learn their new target is his pregnant daughter.”
Which- I don’t know why the anti abortionist would attack a pregnant woman but I don’t understand a lot of things about all of that.
You seemed to have otherworldly aspects in your original post…Not sure how that is in your story so I didn’t feel comfortable trying to shoehorn it in here.
Maybe I just need a title change, because at the current rate of people who “don’t get” how he can be part man / part foetal matter, I’m starting to think people are losing their imaginations.
The otherworldly stuff has been left out for now, for now he’s a guy disfigured trying to protect his daughter’s life, I make that work, then I try to stuff everything else in later.
So far it’s working.
Maybe I just need a title change, because at the current rate of people who “don’t get” how he can be part man / part foetal matter, I’m starting to think people are losing their imaginations.
The otherworldly stuff has been left out for now, for now he’s a guy disfigured trying to protect his daughter’s life, I make that work, then I try to stuff everything else in later.
So far it’s working.