When an unbounded 22-year-old unwantedly gets the news that his girlfriend is pregnant, he must put aside his ego and let go of his regrets in order to become a good father.
klee4Logliner
When an unbounded 22-year-old unwantedly gets the news that his girlfriend is pregnant, he must put aside his ego and let go of his regrets in order to become a good father.
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As Richiev said, the logline seems to focus on internal subjective conflicts.? But a logline is about the external conflicts that arise in a struggle for an objective goal. The two can be complementary, of course.? The trick is to build a plot that works as a dramatic vehicle in which to carry the??baggage of the emotional issues.
However,?a logline is about the plot vehicle?– it is not about the emotional ?baggage.? So that’s what the logline should focus on: the plot vehicle.? Leave the emotional?baggage for the script proper.
fwiw
It would be more interesting if the stakes were higher for the MC.
What if he just got offered the opportunity of a life time – going on the road with a big band, he has to choose between fatherhood and fame. Better yet he tries to make it work and sets off on the road with the big band but at the same time brings his pregnant girlfriend along and only through trial and error realises that he can’t make family life and life on the road work at the same time.
This logine seems to concentrate on intangible inner goals. How do you show on screen a lead character putting aside ego? How do you show on screen a lead character, letting go of regrets.
For the purposes of logline, I would concentrate on things that can be shown onscreen.
For instance:
“When he get’s his girlfriend pregnant, a broke, twenty-two-year-old musician with dreams of stardom, is forced to work for his overbearing soon to be father-in-law, in order to pay for the medical expenses.”