Penpusher
Posted: 2015-06-15T11:48:29+10:00 In:

When Asian vampires steal an ancient demon?s mask, a museum curator and a bus driver must stop them from bringing the monster back to life.

Blood for the Devil’s Daughters

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    4 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The logline doesn’t describe the clear connection between the inciting incident and the action the MC takes.

      Also how do they know an Asian Vampire stole the mask? Is there any significants to the fact that the vampire is Asian? If not drop the description.

      Perhaps a re word:
      After an ancient mask is stolen from his museum a curator must stop the thieves from using it to bring back a pre historic monster to life.

      Hope this helps.

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    2. Mentor

      Quality in stories is about the coherence and relation between all the parts. In this logline we are not able to appreciate the relation between the character of the bus driver and the asian vampires. I try to explain… if you said:
      “When Nazi vampires steal an ancient demon?s mask, a museum curator and a bathroom cleaner must stop them from bringing the monster back to life”. It’s the same! It’s the same story. I have absolutely no arguments to tell which one is the better. And I can come up with a thousand variation without any peculiar interest. You should do this exercise, and after a lot of work you can find the magic combination between story and character.
      Good luck!

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    3. Mentor

      When Asian vampires steal an ancient demon?s mask, a museum curator team with a manga expert to stop them from bringing the monster back to life

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    4. Penpusher

      The Bus Driver supplies the free transportation……….
      These M C’S Need to have a specific Purpose…….Otherwise it is to on the nose…..Ie Obvious.
      How does a Curator prevent a Mask coming back to life.

      Follow the 5 Logliner steps of Structure.

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