When he finds himself in the friend zone with the girl of his dreams his senior year of high school, a beta male must climb his way out of this inescapable trap before his Cinderella is stolen from him?.
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When he finds himself in the friend zone with the girl of his dreams his senior year of high school, a beta male must climb his way out of this inescapable trap before his Cinderella is stolen from him?.
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Who’s going to steal her? Why “Cinderella”? If it’s an “inescapable trap” then how is he going to climb out of it?
Personally, I worry that friend zones (a totally male construct), the suggestion that she “belongs to him” already, and using terms like beta male are all a little outdated and could be considered sexist if not handled carefully. I’m not saying it’s wrong to use these words BUT I’d tread carefully and make sure it sounds like the female character is more than just a macguffin.
I’m not currently sure what the stakes are and I think the way he tries to achieve his goal needs to be described more visually and cinematically.
Follow reviews in your previous loglines. This is not good. Read few books on screenwriting buddy.
I would start by adding what specific action the lead character must take to get himself out of the friend zone. for instance, does he challenge the toughest bully in school to a fight?
Also, I would drop the line “inescapable trap” since it makes no sense. (After all, if the trap is inescapable, how can he escape?)
This would still need a little work, I am not sure if the “Princess Charming” line works but I added it because she isn’t the ‘Cinderella’ in the story, he is. He is the underdog.
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“When he’s friend zoned?by the girl of his dreams, a beta senior, determined to prove his Alfa status, challenges the class Bully and personal tormenter to a fight in the hopes of winning the heart of his princess charming”
What if the lead had three older brother’s who always get the girl and pick in him relentlessly
There is a school dance, a masquerade, but the leads brother play a prank on him and he is grounded.
However, his father is going out for the night so the lead sneaks out to the dance
The problem is at midnight everyone must take off their masks. When that happens he will get caught by his brothers
He ends up dancing with the head cheerleader and has a great time
But midnight rolls around and he must leave the dance before the unmasking.
Now everyone wants to know, who was that guy who won the heart of the head cheerleader at the dance?
The issue I have with the concept is that it’s a retread of a too familiar coming of age trope.? The shy/introverted/nerdy 97-pound weakling/loser? must take on the Big Man On Campus/School Bully/Captain of the Football Team? to win the heart and mind of Miss Popularity/Prom Queen/Hottest Babe in School.
What new twist does this bring to that overused trope?
fwiw
A high school senior thinks he must rise from beta-male to escape the friend-zone and win the woman of his dreams.
Sorry for the following harshness but it’s best to say these things at this early stage of development.
This is simply not enough for a film now day and age. It’s been done and done and done.
Unless you have an amazing twist up your sleeve, I’d say this is DOA.
This is tired old sexist nonsense. Literally billions of people are in the friend zone of any specific female, as that’s all the people she’s also not dating. I would not watch this. We don’t need another one of these. “Climb his way out of this inescapable trap” okay well if it’s inescapable then I guess I know how the movie ends. “His Cinderella” first of all what is Cinderella-ish about her, second how is she “his” in any way? “Stolen from him” again, she doesn’t belong to him, and do you mean “stolen” like she’ll have the audacity to use her own free will to choose someone to date who is Not Him? *snooze* I don’t care about your main character in the slightest. Think way outside these boxes.