Wayne’s new attempt 🙂
WayneLogliner
When he learns that his partner has a borderline personality disorder a depressed guy uses unconventional methods to fix a relationship disrupted by a cloud of mental illness.
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This logline is vague and doesn’t describe a plot. A main character needs to be actively pursuing a clear goal as a result of easily understood motivations for a concept to be good and the subsequent logline read well.
Learning that his partner “…has a borderline personality disorder…” is not a good inciting incident because most people could be described this way. How is this so out of the ordinary for the MC that it shifts the balance of his life and forces him to take action or else?
From the logline the inciting incident doesn’t I suggest to define the event that motivates him into action as an undeniably related to mental disorders and is a do or die event to make up for the un visual nature of the subject matter. Perhaps the partner is his wife and she tried to kill herself but failed?
Secondly “…a borderline personality disorder…” is a vague description of a problem as it is too generic to create a clear image of the problem at hand. What disorder specifically does she have: OCD, a bipolar disorder or a manic depressive one?
“…a relationship disrupted by a cloud of mental illness.” is again too vague to paint a clear understanding of what he will actually do. What does a cloud of mental illness look like? Does the partner try to take her own life? Does she spend all their money? Does she have an affair? What actually happens that will be his obstacle?
Hope this helps.
Actually border line personality disorder (BPS) is a specific and clinically recognized disorder. But not one likely to be familiar to many people who read the logline. Which means it is likely that many people won’t grasp the character flaw /relationship problem of the story.
I concur with Nir Shelter that the logline doesn’t state a specific goal. “Unconventional methods to fix a relationship” is vague.
My sense of the logline is that the MC’ with one mental health problem –depression — assays to treat a character with a another mental health problem. But I have no sense of what the actual plot is. What is the MC’s specific objective goal? What’s at stake? What does he stand to gain if he succeeds, lose if he fails? Who/what opposes his effort?
And what about his own depression? Isn’t that also a stake issue? (Although, realistically, treating the other character’s problems won’t alleviate his depression.)
Could be interesting, but needs more clarity.