When he receives his visa to the US, a struggling poet returns back home to resolve issues with his overbearing mother and confront the death of his terminally ill sister before departing his country.
emvshahLogliner
When he receives his visa to the US, a struggling poet returns back home to resolve issues with his overbearing mother and confront the death of his terminally ill sister before departing his country.
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How does receiving his visa relate to the rest of the logline?
Your inciting incident should directly relate to a characters action. Here would be an example:
“When his sister dies of cancer, a struggling poet returns back home to…”
In my example, step A leads to step B, his sister dies and as a result, he must return back home. In step A of your logline, he get’s his visa to America, and then in step B, he must return back home. This doesn’t make for a good logline progression.?
Also, I don’t understand what you mean by the line, “Confront the death of his terminally ill sister” Does this mean she is already dead and he must come to terms with it, or does it mean she will soon die and he must come to terms with it? This should be clarified.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
A struggling poet returns back home to resolve issues with his overbearing mother and confront the inevitable death of his terminally ill sister before departing his country.
How is this?
Ok, I may get off track here but it would be good if the lead character had something to do. perhaps something like this:
—–
“When his terminally ill sister asks him to plan her funeral, a struggling poet returns to his dreaded childhood home and must deal with his overbearing mother who opposes his every plan for the event.”
—–
I know yours will be different, however ‘resolving issues’ is kind of vague, so if your character has to ‘do’ something in the story I would focus on that for the logline.
{On a side note. Since your lead is a struggling poet, I would end with him writing a poem for his sister that breaks him out of his writer’s block. In her death he writes his greatest works. It would also be great if his sister was his biggest fan, she always believed in him, even when he struggled as a poet. That would make the poem he writes for her even more poignant} (That is just a thought)
A logline should be about one primary objective goal. The revised logline ?lists 3: ?1] resolve issues with his overbearing mother; 2] confront the death of his sister; 3] depart for another country.
There may be secondary goals in the script but they should all be subordinate to the primary goal that drives the story. ?And there is no need to list them in a logline.
Also “resolve issues” is vague, lacks specifics. ? And “confront the death…” strikes me as a weak choice of words. ?Some might take it to mean that her death is all about him — his emotional reaction to it. ?Well, we all sorrow over the death of a loved one and it compels us to reflect upon our own mortality. ?But a protagonist should ?have the primary goal of wanting to comfort his sister, not merely confront her death.
So, what is the one specific and most important thing he needs to accomplish?
(I like Richiev’s idea that he desperately wants to recite a poem he has written in memoriam . But his shrewish mother refuses to allow him to recite it during her funeral. ?I mean since he’s a poet, put that to work in the story.)
When he receives his visa to the US, a struggling poet returns home, to resolve his issues with his overbearing mother and the death of his terminally ill sister. There he grows and is able to write one of his best poems. (how’s this?