When his hive is attacked by landscapers, a nerdy ant must work with an arrogant wasp, a sly cockroach and a vicious spider to create a 6ft tall mech to take on the human mecace and prove himself to the Ant Queen.
The_CNISamurai
When his hive is attacked by landscapers, a nerdy ant must work with an arrogant wasp, a sly cockroach and a vicious spider to create a 6ft tall mech to take on the human mecace and prove himself to the Ant Queen.
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I think all the plot-critical elements are in the logline, it just needs a bit of editing. I’d also give the menace a specific face instead of making it a group of people.
How about:
After a gardner threatens to destroy the patch of forest he lives in, a nerdy ant must work with other insects to build a 6ft tall robot to fend off the human menace and save their colonies.
You have way too many side characters in the logline, (Which is why it is so long) make the goal personal to the lead character, tell us why ‘he’ must do this and then tell us what is standing in the way, I would drop the side characters from the logline or concentrate on the one side character in the logline who will be the main source of frustration to your lead character.?
Also, you tell us he ‘must‘ work with these side?characters… If you give us a must, you should give us an or else.
If the goal at the end of the logline is to prove himself to the queen, You should begin your logline with what he did to lose favor with the queen
However since stopping the human menace seems more immediate I would probably drop the queen angle in the logline all together and concentrate on that.
Having two goals, (Stopping the human menace and proving himself to the queen) is usually a bad distraction for a logline (Keep it in the story just not in the logline)
“nerdy ant” Got a better way to describe the M.C. as an underdog?
The 3 sidekicks sound more interesting than the ant.
Try to include the stakes for which failure before something happens would be.
Got a title for this? Just curious.