Logliner
Posted: 2016-10-02T02:55:15+10:00 In:

When his revengeful ex-wife murders one of his neighbors, a dismissed errant detective must use his unorthodox methods to help the police force bring her to justice.

When his revengeful ex-wife murders one of his neighbors, a dismissed errant detective must use his unorthodox methods to help the police force bring her to justice.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Here’s my take ?by parsing and analyzing your logline through my template for evaluating loglines. ?Fwiw and hope it is of value:

      Question:Answer:
      What is the hook???
      Who is the protagonist?Detective
      What is his character strength?Unorthodox methods (Assuming that’s what makes him a good detective)
      What is his character flaw weakness?Errant, maybe. A liability in terms of being a team player, an asset in terms of solving a case?
      What is the inciting incident (II)?Murder of a neighbor.
      What becomes his objective goal (OG)?Bring his ex to justice.
      Is there a clear, strong cause and effect link between the II and the OG?Not in my mind. It seems to me there are missing causal links between the II and the OG. Or at least questions instead of statements, or obvious inferences.? Like:

      1] how does they know his ex is the prime suspect?

      2] And what’s so compelling about the case that he get involved,?must? solve it? ?Why doesn’t he leave it to the cops?

      Is the OG forced or voluntary?Voluntary.
      Why? What are the stakes???? Other than justice, there doesn’t seem to be anything personal.? Yes, it’s his ex- but there does not seem to be a strong personal conection between him and the victim.? She’s just a neighbor. Now if the victim was not just a neighbor, but his lover, then there would be a stronger personal stakes.
      What is the subjective need??? I?m guessing he needs to vindicate himself. It’s a chance to redeem himself from whatever got him dismissed.
      Who is the antagonist?Ex-wife
      What is the subjective need? (not required in a logline except as related to a character flaw)?? I?m guessing he needs to vindicate himself. It’s a chance to redeem himself from whatever got him dismissed.
      My take away:Seems to lacks a strong hook in either plot or character to set it apart from the crowd of other murder mystery scripts. And it seems to me there are missing causal links between the inciting incident and the objective goal. (See above)
      The personal stakes for you the writer?Since this is version 2.0, a re-post, of the concept, it seems to be a meaningful story for you.? I’m guessing you’ve got an itch you’re just gotta scratch. ?But I don’t know what that itch is.? All I know is that somehow that itch needs to be transubstantiated into a compelling hook that attracts and holds the interest of others.? And I just don’t sense one, yet.
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    2. Singularity

      That thing DPG wrote…

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    3. Singularity

      >>>I was wondering, how the volountary/forced OG affects the quality or viability of the logline? I feel that this is an important point.

      Good question, FFF.

      When the protagonist voluntarily commits to the objective goal , then the question arises in my mind ?as to the quality and viability of the protagonist’s motivation. ?How does the inciting incident hook into the protagonist’s psychology such that it motivates him to break out of the comfy cage of the status quo, venture into the treacherous unknown, engage in risky behavior?

      Well, you can’t spell that all out in a logline, obviously, but it should be implicit, ?a factor a logline reader can intuitively grasp. ?When an action is voluntary then the protagonist has to have a good reason for doing it, right?

      In this logline, the detective’s decision to solve the case is not forced upon him. ? If he were still on the force, having the case assigned to him would be a straightforward, credible causal link between the inciting incident and the objective goal.

      But he’s been fired. ?So his action is voluntary. ?He has to opt in.

      And he does. ?Why? ?What is the psychological hook of the inciting incident that motivates him to opt in?

      Well, he ?is — or was — a detective. So ?how about he still has a habit for the hunt? ?His response is Pavlovian. ?Well, that could be a factor, but is that sufficient enough a motivation to kick off the plot?

      And she’s a neighbor. ?But how good a neighbor? ?Did they frequently chat, exchange holiday gifts, reciprocate with mutual acts of kindness and assistance? ?IOW: what were the bonds of friendship that would motivate him to solve the mystery case? ?How involved was he in her life that emotionally justifies his getting involved in her death? ?We don’t have a clue.

      But if they were lovers — ?well, now the psychological hook is obvious and strong. No elaboration is needed.

      Take away: the voluntary-involuntary question in my template cues me to consider the viability of the link between the inciting incident and the objective goal.

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