Logliner
Posted: 2016-09-19T10:17:08+10:00 In:

When his sister goes missing during a murderous rampage in a haunted house, an immature teenager must take on the responsibility of finding her before the killer does, but not all is as it seems.

When his sister goes missing during a murderous rampage in a haunted house, an immature teenager must take on the responsibility of finding her before the killer does, but not all is as it seems.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Best to specify an event that propels him into action, “?a murderous rampage?” is too vague in terms of time, place and character involvement.

      How about:
      After his best friend is killed by a serial killer, a boy must?
      or to give it a greater degree of motivation:
      After his brother is killed by a serial killer, a boy must…

      Once he finds the sister, then what? It doesn’t feel like the story finished, as the danger still exists. Why not make the boy need to catch the killer to put an end to his rampage?
      For example:
      After his brother is killed by a serial killer his sister goes missing, a fearful boy must then catch the killer on his own if he is to save her.

      The only thing I can’t understand is why must the boy find her/save her/do anything on his own? Why doesn’t he call the police?

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    2. Singularity

      “When a psycho begins a killing rampage in his rural neighborhood, a small town boy disobeys his parents and braves the streets?to?search for his missing sister in the hopes of finding her before the killer.”

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    3. Uberwriter

      I’d drop the “but not all is as it seems”. ?A murderous rampage isn’t an everyday occurrence, so it isn’t what I seemed my day would be. ?If you are hinting that the sister is the murderer, then say it. ?But if it is the twist at the end, you could say it more directly and sell it as a twist.

      “When his sister goes missing during a murderous rampage in a haunted house, a teenager must stay behind to finding her before the killer does”. ?Immature doesn’t tell me enough. ?Is he child like, is he sulky, is he naive, what sort of immature. ?”Take on the responsibility..” does have urgency. ?It sounds like he has left school and got a job to support his family. ?I put in “Stay behind” because it is an action and that is important in a horror.

      Otherwise not bad. ?I need to know more about the story.

      If you are hinting that the sister is the killer.

      “When his sister goes missing during a murderous rampage in a haunted house, a teenager must stay behind to finding her before the killer does, only to discover she is the killer now pursuing him”.

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