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pdlz78Logliner
When his teenage son is murdered, a detective hesitated to bring the presumed killer to justice, after learning about their secret love affair.
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Who’s secret love affair? The killer and his teenage son? And what is goal of the protagonist? To hesitate… No. What makes your protagonist, I’m assuming that’s the detective, sympathetic to the audience — what is his inherent flaw that he must overcome? Hole this helps.
Even if his son was gay and he was a priest/democrat politician/anyone else who would be ashamed of a gay son, bringing the killer to justice would not put them at risk of exposure – courts cases can be handled in isolation to the media. Secondly, and more importantly, for a murder case to go unsolved by a detective now day and age on account of a gay love affair makes little sense. If this story was set 50 years ago, or in a muslim country today I could buy the stakes, but that’s not been described in the logline.
Lastly what’s his goal? To decide what to do? That won’t take more than a scene at most, the resulting action he decides to take after the decision is made is the goal and needs to be described in the logline.
Hello,
here’s my rule of thumb for loglines:
never build a logline about a choice or a hesitation.
(I personally don’t like the loglines that doesn’t respect this rule. The reason is that the movie seems to not move forewards, it’s like stuck in a ping pong situation. The focus should be on the actual goal more than about the ping pong).
What the ?others have said.
Particularly FFF. ?Loglines are descriptions of plots and plots are not about a choice that has to be made or hesitating making a choice. ?Loglines are about what happens after a choice is made.