Silent Observer
joboheboPenpusher
When his Time Machine gets stolen, the time-traveler that runs away from responsibility must stop his mad-with-power best friend from ruling time and space, and save the world.
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Everything is much too vague.
Who has stolen his time machine? It is hinted that it’s his friend … but be specific.
How specifically is this ‘mad-with-power friend’ going to use the time machine to dominate both space and time? Is he planning on going back to the big bang and snuffing out all existence? Is he planning on setting himself up as Jesus? What actually happens in your film?
How does stopping the friend’s plan actually save the world? In what was it in jeopardy?
“runs away from responsibility” can be shortened to “irresponsible”.
“mad-with-power” can be shortened to “megalomaniacal”
Is “friend” the best word to describe the function of this character in the world of your film?
Everything is much too vague.
Who has stolen his time machine? It is hinted that it’s his friend … but be specific.
How specifically is this ‘mad-with-power friend’ going to use the time machine to dominate both space and time? Is he planning on going back to the big bang and snuffing out all existence? Is he planning on setting himself up as Jesus? What actually happens in your film?
How does stopping the friend’s plan actually save the world? In what was it in jeopardy?
“runs away from responsibility” can be shortened to “irresponsible”.
“mad-with-power” can be shortened to “megalomaniacal”
Is “friend” the best word to describe the function of this character in the world of your film?
Good points written above about the words that makes it shorter!
Maybe the fact that the thief is his friend is important for the turns somewhere in the film but is not important to describe the basic plot?
Possible rewrite
When a irresponsible time-traveller discovers his time-machine has been stolen, he must stop the megalomaniacal thief from using it to take over the entire world…?
Good points written above about the words that makes it shorter!
Maybe the fact that the thief is his friend is important for the turns somewhere in the film but is not important to describe the basic plot?
Possible rewrite
When a irresponsible time-traveller discovers his time-machine has been stolen, he must stop the megalomaniacal thief from using it to take over the entire world…?
That fact that the thief is his best friend may be important for the turns, but is it really important now?
Good points above about shortening the descriptions. Possible rewrite:
When a irresponsible time-traveller discovers his time-machine has been stolen, he must stop the megalomaniacal thief from using it to take over the world?
That fact that the thief is his best friend may be important for the turns, but is it really important now?
Good points above about shortening the descriptions. Possible rewrite:
When a irresponsible time-traveller discovers his time-machine has been stolen, he must stop the megalomaniacal thief from using it to take over the world?
A time-traveler, who uses the Time Machine to evade responsibility, must take the Time Machine back from a power-mad friend who uses it to rule time and space,
A time-traveler, who uses the Time Machine to evade responsibility, must take the Time Machine back from a power-mad friend who uses it to rule time and space,