This logline needs your insight! Too wordy, I know. And are the stakes high enough??
When his wife is kidnapped, a modern-day sorcerer (and NYC detective) hunts down her sadistic captor; but when the trail goes cold and even his supernatural friends can't help him, he must learn that love is the most powerful magic of all, before his wife is lost forever.
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“he must learn that love is the most powerful magic of all”,
what does it means, visually? I don’t think this kind of expression can be use in a logline, try to include some elements of the plot instead.
“When his wife is kidnapped, a modern-day sorcerer (and NYC detective) must use his supernatural powers and detective skills to hunt down her sadistic captor”
In this version it’s easy to see a lack of ‘irony’ (a sorcerer use supernatural powers / detective use detective skills) – this is not what can attract the reader’s interest- it would be better to have a detective who must trust magic or a sorcerer who must question his faith.
Great points, thank you. Needs a lot more work, I can see that now. It helps just to have someone look at your logline I’m finding out. When it sits there and someone comments, it now looks so useless. Back to the drawing board (the logging board?)!
Good points raised above I want to add the importance of specificity and clarity. I like the combination of super natural with detective stories but the character description needs to be specific in its relation to the obstacles.
This way you can create more intrigue and when you come to write the script you have a good clear character and obstacle conflict to reference throughout the writing process.
For example; a faithless priest or superstitious scientist or drug addicted DEA officer etc…
Then let this contradiction stand in his way of achieving his goal this way you can see the inner journey as well as the outer one.
My try:
After his wife is kidnapped a cynical detective must rely on a clairvoyant to help him find her and catch the sadistic abductor.
This is not the same as your story because you want the detective to be the one with super natural/magic powers but it demonstrates the point I was making.
Hope this helps.
Hey Nir, Thanks for commenting.
Actually your take is MUCH closer to my actual script than mine is. MAN, I’m bad at this. Okay, so here’s a new take, using your logline as the basis.
After his wife is kidnapped, a world-weary New York City detective must rely on a clairvoyant sorceress and an assortment of fantastical creatures to help him find her and stop the sadistic abductor?before she is murdered.?
I added a before [All is Lost]? clause at the end, but I?m not sure it?s needed? Also, does “world weary” best describe someone who would be the last person to believe in, let alone rely on, fantastical creatures”? Maybe your original “cynical” was the right choice. Almost there, I think.
World weary reads to me like a well traveled person that develops agoraphobia or a dislike to others not sure that is doing your character justice in this case.
No need for “…before she is murdered?” at the end best to have one big goal describing your one A plot in a logline. Currently there are three goals; find her, stop the bad guy and save her life best to describe it all in one goal such as save her life.
Also the fantastical creatures will be allies or friends and don’t necessarily need to be in the logline.
The action the MC will take needs to push forward through obstacles and make him sound like a character in active pursuit of a goal “?rely?” is a lesser active verb than a more proactive one such as “work” or “use”.
Lastly the connection between the sorcerer and the inciting incident is vague, why need magic when the MC is a detective? What is different or special about this kidnapping that makes him want to do something so out of the ordinary as to work with a self proclaimed magic person?
Also sorcerer sounds like a bad kind of magic person where as wizard sounds more a positive good guy magic person, maybe thats just me though.
How about:
After his wife is kidnapped by a sadistic sorcerer a cynical New York detective must work with a clairvoyant wizard to save her life.
I’m pretty new at this, but I think leaving the ‘before’ clause gives an urgency to the line, which adds credibility to the idea that a cynic/weary character would turn to an unlikely source of assistance. However, I’m not sure you need ‘New York City’ in the detective part. Like I said, I’m new, but I think simplicity works. Adding a location takes up time and space without giving much in return. Compare the two, see if you think it adds much (I’m also Australian, so not sure if there is a critical difference between NYPD, LAPD, GCPD and the rest):
After his wife is kidnapped, a world-weary New York City detective must rely on a clairvoyant sorceress and an assortment of fantastical creatures to help him find her and stop the sadistic abductor?before she is murdered.?
After his wife is kidnapped, a world-weary detective must rely on a clairvoyant sorceress and an assortment of fantastical creatures to help him find her and stop the sadistic abductor?before she is murdered.?
I think the same simplicity principle applies to the “clairvoyant sorceress and an assortment of fantastical creatures” line. If there enough irony in the fact that the detective is relying on the supernatural world, then the specifics of the characters on whom he is relying become details, and are not valuable parts of the logline.
Otherwise, sounds interesting!
I like a lot this rewriting.
Simplicity is key in a logline but never let it get confusing due to lack of critical detail.
I think that New York cops have a stigma of being pragmatic, tough and cynical more than others, perhaps thats just me. I also think if the story is placed on the streets of New York it makes for a more interesting setting for a super natural fantasy story as appose to the cliche setting of “in the woods” or “in a remote village”.
As previously mentioned best to describe a single goal at the end of a logline so; finding the wife, stopping the bad guy and preventing her being killed should all be described as a single goal. In my mind saving her life is the best and most economic way of doing this, as both finding her and stopping the bad guy are then implicit.
My suggestion for a re draft with a minor tweak:
After his wife is kidnapped by a sadistic sorcerer a sceptic New York detective must work with a clairvoyant wizard to save her life.