When illness and havoc spread across England, Queen Elizabeth I must confront the Devil and save her kingdom.

I know I advise this a lot to members who haven’t reviewed many loglines but have multiple posts: read through other people’s loglines. Read the feedback they receive especially, because chances are that you’ll receive similar feedback at some point. Read the formula tab at the top of the page. Take the time to examine other members’ loglines and try to identify the problems. It will help you to understand logline components and will improve your own loglines. In addition, it’s also polite to return review other members’ loglines after they’ve taken the time to review yours.

Anyway: “When illness and havoc spread across England, Queen Elizabeth I must confront the Devil and save her kingdom.” (18 words)

Overall, the problem is that the inciting incident and goal aren’t connected enough, in other words, the inciting incident isn’t the event which would to lead to the pursuit of the goal.

The inciting incident should be a specific event which forces the protagonist to pursue her goal. “when illness and havoc spread” is not a specific event. Why didn’t she do something when it started? How does she know it’s the Devil?
Along with that, ‘confront’ is too vague. The description of a goal should clearly bring a visual image to the reader’s mind. Does she physically confront him? Have an argument? Why the Queen herself? Doesn’t she have an army, or knights or someone who can fight?
If it’s not a physical confrontation, then again, why her?

I hope this helps.

I think Richiev’s version still doesn’t address the problem of why the?Queen of England must do anything.
An inciting incident should be tailor-made for the protagonist. It is an event which?forces the character – and only the protagonist(s) to act. They must leave their ‘Normal World’, venture into the adventure which awaits.

The problem at present is that the Queen has people do things for her, especially anything dangerous. Even if she did decide to go face the Devil on her own, it’s quite likely that her guards wouldn’t allow her. If the inciting incident is a general ‘plague sweeping across country’, unless every single person who works for her has succumbed to the disease, there’s no reason for her to do this herself.

A way to fix this is to make the inciting incident something along the lines of the Devil appearing before her and telling her specifically that she must defeat him in order to save her country. Basically, the Devil takes her country hostage and she’s the?only one who can free it.
Or, you could change the protagonist to a different person – perhaps a female warrior who works for the Queen who is tasked with facing the danger.