Sometime ago I had the idea for that movie and starting writing the script for it, but did not finish it yet.
I have not found a good for the script yet (it should be historical and dinosaur-y, like “Raptors against Charlemagne”).
When in 800 AD a business magnate frees warmongering breeders of Raptors to conquer the Holy Roman Empire, only the Charlemagne's elite troop Scara (minus those who joined the Raptor army) stands in their way.
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Yes, I do see the mistake. But I do not see the edit button.
I know you see a mistake but I’m a bit confused. Is the mistake the breeders of the warmongers who are slaves that attack the Roman empire and it the raptors who are freed that are the problem or was the mistake it should have been 800bc as there weren’t Raptors in 800Ad or is there time travel involved.
Thanks for your feedback.
In hindsight the whole logline is too convoluted and I tried to squeeze too much in it.
Maybe I should have made it shorter:
“When in the Early Middle Ages a megalomanic business mangate and breeders of Raptors team up to conquer the Holy Roman Empire, only Charlemagne’s Elite troop The Scara stands in their way.”
The breeders have been exiled to a secluded island generations ago, where there still were dinosaurs, like in Doyle’s “Lost World”. As they could not leave the island, they needed to be freed. (And they brought their feathered, breathing war machines and their lust for vengeance with them.)
I actually put some thought into the year: Charlemagne had to be alive (he died 814), he had to be older, otherwise he would lead the Scara himself, it had to be clear that Louis the Pious was his successor (that means, his other sons were dead already), he was already crowned emperor etc.
Charlemagne is a supporting character and an important figure (historically, but also for this movie), so I wanted to have him in the logline.
PS: There is a “the” too much in the logline, but as I’ve said, the whole logline is suboptimal.
My other posting (starting with “Thanks for your feedback”) was intended as an answer to yours.
Interesting subject. I would lose the “when in” part and find a way to rewrite the last line without using parenthesis.
I’d also recommend clarifying that the raptors are dinosaurs in the logline. Especially with your usage of the term Raptor army.
Thank you for your feedback.
So, using your and elbigelow’s advice, what about something like this:
“A dinosaur army is conquering the Holy Roman Empire and only Charlemagne’s handpicked elite troop The Scara stands in their way.”
I dropped the year/epoch, Charlemagne should be enough indication of the historical setting.
Also, I could use more species of dinosaurs, I only had some breed of Utahraptor in mind, so far, but why not a second one?
While the business magnate is the main force behind the whole event, without more information she does not add anything to the logline.
Maybe like that:
“Charlemagne’s elite squad The Scara have protected the Holy Roman Empire for years, but can they defeat an army of dinosaurs, lead by the richest woman in the world – who pulls some of the Scara to her side?”
That some of the Scara yield to the temptation of power is an important plotpoint – still, I’d like to do better…