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ddongPenpusher
When Josh receives a mysterious phone call from the hospital by his estranged son, he must decide whether to sign a medical agreement that will alter his child?s life forever.
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What is the action that will carry your protagonist through 50 pages of ACT 2?
He must WIN something/someone
He must STOP something/someone
He must RETRIEVE something/someone
He must ESCAPE something/someone
These 4 actions will help you think about what your character will have to do to get what they WANT and eventually what they NEED.
Everything you have written could take place in five minutes.
A guy receives a phone call, goes to the hospital, he’s told he must sign a paper, He either decides to sign or not to sign, then the story is over.
The reason I point this out, because it’s difficult to visualize a story from the logline that you have written.
In other words, I don’t think the logline conveys to the reader the story that you wrote or if it isn’t written, the story that you visualize in your head.
In addition to what Scott said, I would add that “deciding” is almost never a compelling story element in itself (apart from films like “12 Angry Men” where the decision is the story). Normally, the story is what happens after the decision has been made – especially if we (the audience) feel it was the wrong decision. Try writing the long line from the POV of what happens after the decision is made.
On another note, by using the word “child” to describe the son you imply the son is a minor. Then, by saying the father is estranged from the child, you imply someone else, probably the mother, has custody over the child. If that is the case, then the father cannot legally sign off on any medical procedure. Likewise, if the child is no longer a minor, the father also has no right to approve of anything.
The main issue I have with this is that there doesn’t seem to be much of a story here.? I take it that the estranged son is in a coma, and… maybe a singer’s vocal cords are cancerous, and it’s a choice between chemo and surgical removal.? A decision is made, and they just deal with it.? Probably more interesting is if the son is awake, but underage and the homeless son wants some sort of gender-reassignment or something else that may require adult approval.? I’m reaching here… but, if the parent would normally never accept that, but wants to convince the son to come home, maybe there’s some plotline that helps that along.? But as it’s written now, I’m not getting much.
It’s bad to put unknown names like “Josh” in loglines because using a combination of adjective and noun tells us more about the character.
Mysterious also doesn’t tell us much… only that it’s less informative than it could be.? I’d be more precise with that.? Was it just an unexpected call?? Was it a confusing/puzzling call?? Mysterious might be the best option but it’s worth considering if there’s a better word.