When lone hunter Aleera Merrick kills a notorious half-Vampyre, half-Succubus, all hell breaks loose. Through twists of fate, she attracts the attention of the Warriors of Slegna?divine sword wielding people dedicated to vanquishing evil?and the Blue Elders, daemonic lords seeking to ignite a forgotten prophesy to conquer Slegna and enslave humanity. Their greatest threats are the Buried Armaments, and Aleera, the sole being predestined to possess their power for good or evil.

WOWsers. Lots of words going on here that mean absolutely nothing to me. You need to strip this back to the bare essentials, in order to make it hook the reader, who doesn’t know about the warriors of slegna and their interest in vampyre succubi … how could you describe this, avoiding character and clan names?

It SOUNDS like the story is about a hunter (what sort of hunter. You’ve said lone hunter, but give me more. Is she alone through choice? Is she LONELY? solitary? Detached? Is she exiled? A sole-survivor? What is the arc this character is likely to go on in this story, and what is the earlier stage of that journey for her, character wise?) who kills the wrong beastie … but that’s just the set up. Her goal is to stop two (warring?) factions who are fighting for domination of the land of Slegna. That’s her goal. The stakes are freedom – if she fails, all humanity will be enslaved? (Freedom is good, but survival is better – could the threat be the eradication of humanity?)

Give it another go with just the bare essentials.

Also – are you planning on this being the first in a franchise? (Warriors Over Darkness and the Unsettled Grave like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)?

If so, unless you’re selling all the stories as a package – which I’d have to assume is going to be hard – I’d suggest simplifying the title to either “Warriors Over Darkness” of “Unsettled Grave” (which I personally like better).

Hope that helps 🙂