Penpusher
Posted: 2020-06-14T18:17:49+10:00 In:

When Marcus Rosen is attacked by a unknown assailant, he awakens a hidden power that he eventually must use to stop evil from destroying humanity.

 

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    3 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Cheers.

      Who is Marcus Rosen? I think that’s the name of your protagonist, which is not necassary to state in a logline. Just use a description of your character, like student (Spider-Man) or businessman (Batman) and a flaw that suits best with your character, like arrogant or reckless. You can find more on that by looking at the formula button above.

      The construction of your logline is pretty solid, as it has an inciting incident (attacked), a goal (stop evil) and an antagonist (evil) as well as high stakes (destoying humanity). The only problem i have is the basic description of your events. “Stopping evil” is too vague in my opinion, because this can basically mean a devil, a group of crazy scientists or even a monster from another dimension. So what does evil stand for in your logline/script?

      The same goes with hidden power. Awakening a hidden power can also mean a lot of things. What does it mean in your logline specifically?

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    2. Singularity

      The problem is, this logline is a little too vague to draw in the reader.

      Marcus Rosen: We can tell from the name that your lead is a man, but that is all, is he a shy banker, is he a gruff construction worker, is he a gregarious male stripper? believe it or not, just giving us a name tells us nothing about the character and thus is vague.

      Unknown assailant: We don’t know who attacks the lead character. Were they gang members? Angry protester? A mugger?

      Hidden power: We have no clue what the lead character’s power is, such as can he fly? can he bend time? Can he see through girls skirts?

      must use to stop evil: What evil? What does this evil look like, what does this evil want?

      Since we don’t know what the lead character’s power is, and we don’t know what this evil is, we can’t picture what the story is about. (And thus are not drawn in)

      So in conclusion, just add a few specifics and it will improve your logline greatly.

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    3. Penpusher

      This is a good start of an idea for a log line, but I believe that it’s too vague to draw in readers. I’m also confused on what the “evil” is. I’d like to know what the hidden power is, or from where it originated.  Another tip that I can give is that storytelling needs irony. Irony produces interest in a story. Furthermore, I believe that irony is integral when creating log lines. Also, try to hook in the reader when reading this log line by providing more information. What is the evil that you’re referring to, and how if the hidden power being awakened? Also, what is Marcus Rosen’s occupation or interest?

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