When mutilated animals begin showing up in a small Ohio town and all signs begin to point in an impossible, draconic direction, a new sheriff with something to prove must enlist the help of the high school janitor with a mysterious family past to kill the beast before anyone else gets hurt.
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When mutilated animals begin showing up in a small Ohio town and all signs begin to point in an impossible, draconic direction, a new sheriff with something to prove must enlist the help of the high school janitor with a mysterious family past to kill the beast before anyone else gets hurt.
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I like the idea, but agree with others that it is too long. Here’s a suggestion:
When mutilated animals begin showing up in a small Ohio town, a new sheriff with something to prove enlists the help of the high school janitor with a mysterious family past to kill the beast before anyone else gets hurt.
Loglines are best written using specific and brief descriptions.
The above could be rewritten as:
After a dragon mutilates his pet dog, a newbie sheriff must enlist the help of the school janitor, a descendant of dragon hunters, to save the town.
A modern-day knights and dragons story could be interesting, but it needs to be described with efficiency and clarity.
Why the janitor? A mysterious family doesn?t really tell us much. ?It is also his family not him. Get rid of MUST, ?give the character some agency. Using must removes choice.
A Small town?s new ?sheriff and a Native American mystic working as a janitor team up to defeat a dragon killing cattle before anyone gets killed.
You could now added the addition overall conflict.
A Small town?s new ?sheriff and a Native American mystic working as a janitor team up to defeat a dragon killing cattle before anyone gets killed. ?But their lack of credibility with the town hampers their effort as their warnings go ignored.
I have no idea if that happens. ?But you have scope if you be more concise with your wording.
I had to read this a couple of times… that’s not good.
However, if draconic direction means there is a dragon, I think the story itself sounds interesting. But if you mean dragon you should just say dragon (For clarity)
I am going to give this a logline attempt, I apologize in advance for adding one element that is not in your logline but I just thought it would be interesting.
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“When no one believes the recent cattle mutilations are caused by a mythical dragon, an alcoholic small-town sheriff must enlist the aid of a reclusive mythology expert, and the high school?DnD club to kill the beast and save his town.”