When one of his tenants is found murdered, a young and na?ve landlord must find a killer lurking in a secret part of the building, or risk bankruptcy.
Karel SegersLogliner
When one of his tenants is found murdered, a young and na?ve landlord must find a killer lurking in a secret part of the building, or risk bankruptcy.
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1: Young and naive is redundant you should pick one or the other.
2: “…Or risk bankruptcy” comes out of nowhere. If it’s important to the story you should tell us how a tenant being murdered and bankruptcy correlate.
It just seems odd that there is a killer is on the loose and the lead character is like, “Oh no, the banks might come after me!”
Thanks Richie.
Well he’s young 20-23ish, so I think that’s more important than their psychology (naive – which as you said is one and the same with youth).
Re: BANKRUPTCY/stakes. You’ve brought up exactly what I wanted brought up. The obvious stakes (like JAWS) would be “to stop the killing” ?Yes, the young landlord does want to stop the killings, but I find that obvious and slightly bland. His desire is a financial one, he works overtime to ensure his building has a positive cash flow. Once there’s a murder or two, tenants will have grounds to break their leases. They’ll leave coursing vacancies which makes the building lose money. Also, I don’t know a lot about real estate yet, but I imagine having a murderer in the building decreases the value of the property – and that’s what the landlord wants to avoid/decrease. He needs to stop the killer, to essentially save his financial investment in it.
That’s what I want in the stakes, and I agree, “risk bankruptcy” doesn’t quite establish this. if someone reading this can offer their feedback, I’d be much appreciative 🙂
I’m also wondering if the stakes are pretty much implied inside the action:
EDIT “When one of his tenants are found murdered, a young landlord must eliminate a killer lurking in a secret part of the building.”
Hello, I like the concept, a sort of ‘phantom of the building’!?My personal opinion is that you should cut or rewrite the elements that are not directly linked to the plot – “young” is not interesting because it doesn’t relate to the rest of the story. “Naive” too is a very week characterization. Anyway, I think that a landlord investigating the death of his tenant is a clear, straigh, good concept. You can start working in deep on this story. I suggest you to build the story from the end: what or who is the killer? When you will have developped your story a little more, I’m sure you’ll be able to define your hero better.