Posted: 2012-10-12T19:31:53+10:00 In:

When orphan Billy and his friends accidentally land on Carnival Cloud they discover Cloud Surfing, Pirate Kingdoms, Pet Paradise, a school with bully boats, new friends and that anything?s possible…now to find a way home.

Cloud Kingdoms

Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    3 Reviews

    1. Sounds like a Peter Pan premise! 🙂

      What I like: you’ve kept it to one line – excellent!

      What needs work: it’s too wordy, includes concepts and references to story-specific elements (i.e., Cloud Surfing – no clue what this is other than the literal sense of the term). There’s no irony or a time limit.

      For instance, let’s start with this suggestion:

      “When Billy, an orphan, travels through a mystical portal he meets a community of friends on Carnival Cloud that grows into a family, but he must return to his dog, Spot, before the portal closes forever.”

      I’ve taken some liberty with the storyline, but hopefully you get the gist.

      • 0

    2. Thank-you for our time and thoughts, truly appreciated.

      Your suggestion re “community of friends that grows into a family” captures the essence as in the first scene they are taken in by the family that run Carnival Cloud (Mum Dad & 2 young children). An element I’ve removed, after asking my friends & their children which logline (gave them 4) they preferred. I understand they’re not the people that I’d be selling it to though.

      Re time limit huge thanks for that it’ll definitely improve it! They have to search for the next rainbow to get back home. Mmm perhaps change of seasons means last chance for rainbows for awhile..or something happening back on the ground he has to be home for…much to work on 🙂

      I was thinking an orphan closer to “heaven” (raised in film but not main plot) was ironic. I’ve taken out the word heaven unsure if this would have different connotations but was also concerned it took away clarity.

      Again seriously grateful & love your suggestions!

      • 0

    3. I like the change in seasons … that’s a great idea!

      In terms of irony, I see the “family dynamic” as the other side of the coin when we consider an “orphan”. Heaven versus Hell …. so on and so forth.

      Looking forward to reading your revision!

      • 0