Logliner
Posted: 2016-10-11T19:47:39+10:00 In:

Seeing her father assassinated, Princess escapes to search the land for her exiled mother to learn the djinn arts to take revenge and save her people.?

Seeing her father assassinated, Princess escapes to search the land for her exiled mother to learn the djinn arts to take revenge and save her people.?
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I like Nir’s ?version, too, because it gives the antagonist equivalent power. ??He’s a sorcerer as knowledgeable the magical arts as must become. ?Consequently, ?just acquiring skill in the magical arts doesn’t guarantee the princess inevitable success, make it a slam dunk that she will succeed.?

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    2. Mentor

      I like Nir’s version and relates to my point, by adding “… save the people” you not only get increased stakes, but a worthy goal as well.

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    3. Singularity

      Agreed with the above, this concept has come a long way over the posts, and now reads very well.

      I would only add that you can use the antagonist description in the inciting incident to introduce the magic element a bit earlier. This is really no big deal as the concept is interesting and plot sound but in the interest of constructive feedback, currently the “…forbidding arts…”? come in a bit late in the logline. I’d also suggest changing the goal from negative (revenge) to positive – getting back at the killer is implied in what ever she does.
      My suggestion:
      After a sorcerer kills her father, a sheltered princes must search for her exiled enchantress mother in order to learn the forbidden arts and save her people from the usurper

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    4. Mentor

      It’s short, has everything you need. If I were to nitpick, maybe (and like I say only nitpicking, so I wouldn’t worry too much) I would tweak the line a little bit, so that she must defeat this person before this person becomes king etc, basically a way of upping the stakes EG she’ll lose the kingdom if she cannot defeat this person, but she must also challenge him with a certain amount of time.

      However that is nitpicking, as I can see the beginning, middle and end of this story, which if you do that in a logline, you’re winning the battle

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    5. Singularity

      I like it

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