When Raoud Le Meir finds a drunk Nazi passed out in his barn one night, he does what every terrified, mute and livid 12-year-old boy would do ? steals the soldier’s rifle.
teepackPenpusher
When Raoud Le Meir finds a drunk Nazi passed out in his barn one night, he does what every terrified, mute and livid 12-year-old boy would do ? steals the soldier’s rifle.
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The logline sets up a situation and an inciting incident for a plot but it ?doesn’t follow through with statement of what the plot actually is– the struggle that results from the boy stealing the rifle.
(Also loglines don’t describe the protagonist by a proper name; rather the protagonist is identified in terms of a defining characteristic or flaw.)
Please consult the guidelines under “Formula” at the top of the web page for writing an industry standard logline. ?
As pointed out by dpg, this is a setup not a story.
Revision No. 1: After his father is?executed by the Nazis, a?mute, 12-year-old French boy steals a?rifle from a drunk?soldier, but his plans for revenge go awry when he is befriended by a compassionate German officer.
>>>but his plans for revenge go awry
What is his plan for revenge? ?What is his plot against the Nazi’s? ?What, specifically, ?is the plot of the script?
The revision still hides the game ball ?– what anyone who might come to the movie will want to see.
12 yr old boy with a rifle? He gonna nail himself some hog meat?
Ok, how about this?
Revision No. 2:?A 12-year-old French boy steals a?drunk?German soldier’s rifle, but his plan?to kill the Nazi Captain who executed his father?goes awry when he is befriended by a compassionate German officer.
Well, you are getting more intriguing, yet fell into trap #2. You introduced another plot and failed to explain what he must do to prosper before the curtain goes down.
What Foxtrot25 said.
The revised logline baits and switch — sets up one potential story line then jumps to another one. ?What is the story really about?
The befriending officer can be a complication to the plot. ?But what is the plot? ?What is the unity of action, the singular action ?that ties together everything else that happens?
The logline revisions read as if you’re still not sure which obstacle would be most interesting. So, what would you like to write about? Either a vengeful boy learning not to generalise his hate to all Germans or a boy managing to one-up a German captain’s security?