When she breaks the law and names herself, a free-spirited cog fights against the local diversity officer in order to convince her town that freedom should not be outlawed
–The Dark Age–
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When she breaks the law and names herself, a free-spirited cog fights against the local diversity officer in order to convince her town that freedom should not be outlawed –The Dark Age–
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(This is an idea going through my head, sort of a what-if scenario)
As I am re-reading my logline, I don’t think the first line is clear… –When she breaks the law and names herself–
When she breaks the law ‘by’ naming herself…
When she illegally gives herself a name…
Basically, the story takes place at a time when people are given numbers instead of names. It was deemed that names are gender prejudicial.? If you name your child Johnny, for instance, the name is prejudicial toward boys. The name Johnny is gender non-inclusive and therefore against the law as laid down by the book of harmony.
The diversity officer’s job is to enforce?the rules laid down in the book of harmony, promoting diversity by punishing anyone who does not conform.
(Of course, they don’t call it punishment, they call it a ‘teaching’)
The plot seems unique. But it will be hard to consume that because of one’s name there was a revolution of gender discrimination.
Though the plot shall work if you establish that the political ideology followed by the ruling party is based on some principles laid by a major political leader e.g., Maoism was established by Mao Zedong or Marxism was established by teachings and followers of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engles. You can come up with your own hypothetical leader with such ideologies. And now that such ideologies disallow you to name oneself and gives you a number instead, the thought can be acceptable.
A book of harmony – sounds that it will have some religious beliefs. I can be wrong, but one would not like to see a sci-fi preaching some harmonious beliefs. An adapted political or economical ideology will suffice. You may not need to clear it in the movie, but to frame a better plot it can be useful.
Now to see that the principles are being followed, you have appointed a diversity officer for every region. Cool.
Even if you establish the above, one will have to register their name after birth. Lets assume She was named 21 and, after becoming an adult she gets fascinated by the thought of naming herself as she learned about the past life of humanity. She goes to the department to change her name. Question arises – Will she be allowed to name herself or get objected? After-all the officers would immediately deny naming her as per law.
(Note my viewpoint is based on this: A person will be named in digits but the officers can not control the in-house names. They can be called anything by their loved ones. How will the in-house name be controlled? Will it matter much that a community/the loved ones call you Johnny and your registered name is 21?)
You need to create a strong reason for your character to name herself so that se can revolt with a motive. The above logline states her being free spirited, I think stakes must be higher. Just free spirited or strong willed won’t trigger a good curiosity in audience’s mind and also such reason must be mentioned in the logline.
It will be interesting to see her lead an uprising for the freedom of naming oneself again.
This logline is an example of the challenge for loglining stories in the scifi and fantasy genres:? the dramatic problem often makes sense only if you first understand the dramatic setting.? But because I didn’t, the logline left me puzzled. I didn’t know what “cog” meant and I had not clue as to the setting of the story to comprehend why taking a name would be breaking the law.
You could lead off with the something like?”In a dystopic? world where everyone has a number instead of a name” — but that’s already 13 words — over 1/2 the ideal length of a logline — expended? to establish the setting before the protagonist’s struggle make any sense.
fwiw
I find this confusing.
What is a cog?
I’m also not clear on what the plot is going to be. She breaks the law but how? What does she do?
Not sure either what a diversity officer is? Or what function they fulfill.
Last thing “…freedom should not be outlawed…” – In what way is freedom outlawed? Where? How?
Sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult, just can’t get my head around what the story is – maybe I’m interpreting the logline too literally.
I had a minor confusion in the beginning.? You placed a comma after herself, hence the confusion.? Here’s what I’d do.
When she breaks the law and names herself a free spirited cog, she fights against the local diversity officer in order to convince her town that freedom should not be outlawed.
Notice that I removed -The Dark Age- because it is not important for the logline.? Something to consider when loglining.