When the illegal distribution of Opioids claims the life of a high school athlete, a 3rd generation police officer leads an investigation and as the case breaks, the fallout hits close to home.
ccapone19Penpusher
When the illegal distribution of Opioids claims the life of a high school athlete, a 3rd generation police officer leads an investigation and as the case breaks, the fallout hits close to home.
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Why does it matter that he’s 3rd generation?
I agree with Nir Shelter that the logline needs to cut to the chase, be more specific. His objective goal seems to be clear:? find the dealer who was selling the drug.? Well, say so.
And what is as to the central dramatic problem,obstacle or antagonist that prevents him from solving the case?? That creates dramatic tension, suspense?? “Fallout hits close to home” — what does that mean exactly?
What’s the story hook?? What makes this story stand out from all the other stories, real and fictional, about the plague of opioid addiction?
Don’t be afraid to be specific; “…illegal distribution of Opioids…” = heroin, “…as the case breaks…” = a major discovery that needs to be detailed in the logline, “…hits close to home…” = a family member is the dealer. Aside from the vague nature of the descriptions, you’re not describing the story. What is it he does after the case ‘hits close to home’ his resulting goal needs to be included in the logline.
Obviously this comment isn’t going to be much help this time around but I’d highly recommend writing the logline before writing the screenplay. Not only does the feedback you get from places such as this really help fine tune an idea but it also gives you something concrete to work from when you’re writing the script. After the first screenplay I wrote I tried to come up with a logline and the comments I got from this website highlighted potential issues with my already written story. It’s much easier to get a solid logline first.
That being said, I don’t think this logline is that far away from something that could work. I’d maybe consider something more descriptive than ‘3rd generation’. Perhaps something that gives us a clue about his character flaws or strengths. Is he an ex-drug user, corrupt, narrow-minded, strong-willed, a loving family man? This gives the reader something to help visualise the character better.
Currently, it doesn’t seem like he has a goal. I imagine it’s to solve the case but ‘fallout hits close to home’ could suggest the goal is to not let this case affect his family life. The goal needs to be solidified with something we can visualise.
What does he stand to lose if he doesn’t either solve this case and/or the fallout affects those around him? Are more kids going to die? Make it primal.
Hope this helps.
Get up to the story and stop. I don?t know the story but this may be a style.
investigating a high school drug overdose a detective learns that his son is the dealer and sets about to cover it up, but his partner is unwittingly brings everything undone for dad and son.
Thank you but the script is already written so I would have to change the entire story.? But it is a good idea none the less.
Perhaps instead of Opioids, a drug that’s performance enhancing like an amphetamine.
It’s a small town and their team in on the verge of a state title. (Perhaps in Texas)
The officer is new in town and investigates
But the town is downright antagonistic because they don’t want anything to get in the way of their hometown team winning the championship
As the investigation continues it becomes clear the? player got the drugs from the coach
The coach is dirty, he has powerful friends and no one wants the officer to discover the truth
Except for the young boy’s parents.
The lead is threatened, his family is threatened, someone throws rocks through his window, eventually, someone even sets fire to his house.
But nothing will stop the officer from doing his job.
“When his son O. D.’s on Heroine, a 3rd generation officer follows the trail of where the drugs came from, in spite a small town that seems strangely reluctant to discover where the answers lead.”
Your logline seemed headed towards the plot of this highschool athlete, then changed its direction, therefore mentioning him seems redundant at this stage.
The Inciting Incident isn’t his death. Instead, how as the case breaks, the fallout hits close to home… which is incomplete, was he or wasn’t he able to zero in on the person responsible.
And finally what becomes his GOAL as a result of this discovery.
The format which might work, becomes – “After a third gen cop tracks the illegal opioids distribution to his home, he must…[objective goal]
PS. “fallout” is a confusing word
Good Luck ccapone19