When the Mafia takes over a small town cemetery, an underachieving gravedigger must unearth their criminal activity or end up six feet under.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
When the Mafia takes over a small town cemetery, an underachieving gravedigger must unearth their criminal activity or end up six feet under.
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Hmmm. So why does the Mafia care about a cemetery? You may want to include some stake that’s bigger than we may assume. The rest is clever. Perhaps add a ticking time bomb element to this.
Why him?
Why doesn’t he just call the police and get out of dodge.
Agreed with Foxtrot25.
Is the mafia planning on using the cemetery to hide their own bodies? What is in it for them? Why do they need the gravedigger? If they’ve taken over the business they could fire him and put one of their own guys in place. Perhaps he is the only one who knows the location of a specific body in the graveyard and the mafia want to dig it up for some reason – money, drugs or evidence that’s berried with it.
I still think they Mafia needs a more objective need than revenge and convenience (dumping bodies). Why not make it so there is a berried treasure, evidence or both? The stakes jump up and Mafia’s motives are clearer.
It’s an intriguing logline and I want to know more, but overall it’s a little vague upon examination. There is a ticking time bomb of sorts. He needs to solve the mystery before he ends up underground himself, but it’s unclear what that bomb is. For starters, does he have a week? A day? A month? He’s obviously not on the run, so the stakes of the mafia wanting to dispatch him aren’t that strong at the moment. What is preventing him from going to the police. It needs to be more than he needs to get info first. Give him a stronger obstacle. You mentioned a girlfriend in one of the other reviews. Maybe she is what holds him back. If he tells, she goes to jail, so he needs to find a way to protect her first. Or if he tells, she’ll dump him. These are complete hypotheticals and may not have anything to do with your story, but hopefully it gets you to think about raising the stakes for the gravedigger.
And if the Mafia is taking over the cemetery, it seems they would hire their own people to handle the bodies even if they kept him on. Maybe he has to hide the bodies because he’s repaying a gambling debt or something. You’ve got your protagonist and antagonist and a vague sense of stakes, but what is the obstacle that prevents the gravedigger from reaching his goal. Simply telling the cops isn’t a particularly compelling goal. Again, bigger stakes.
Maybe something like:
To repay a debt, a small town gravedigger is forced to use his cemetery to cover up a series of Mafia murders, but when the police ask him to get the goods on the crime bosses, he has to work both sides of the coin to avoid prison or end up six feet under himself.
I know this probably has nothing to do with your story, but it raises the stakes for the gravedigger and presents him with a dilemma. . .an obstacle. And he has a goal – to stay alive and out of jail.
There is definitely something here and I’m intrigued, but I think it needs more specifics which isn’t easy in 50 words or less. I’m looking forward to seeing what you do with it. ?Good luck!