Logliner
Posted: 2019-08-24T13:13:36+10:00 In:

When the mysterious knight who slaughtered his village?returns, a distrustful werewolf reluctantly teams with a rebellious human princess to track the knight down before he starts a war between humans and fantasy creatures.

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    5 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      Yo iría más lejos.
      Un desconfiado hombre lobo y una princesa deben rastrear a un caballero antes que éste inicie una guerra.

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    2. Best Answer
      Samurai

      I would go with:

      A distrustful werewolf must team up with a human princess to stop a vengeful knight from starting a war between humans and fantasy creatures.

       

      The backstory as to what the knight did in the past is useful for the story, but not necessary in the logline. It would be better to include why it is this werewolf and princess that can stop him, rather than giving the motivation. Given the stakes, backstory motivation isn’t required as part of the hook.

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    3. Samurai

      It’s good!

      I also like the “distrustful” attribute. It leaves a nice space for a character arc.

      One thing: why “knight?” Is he gallant? Is it a knightly thing to destroy a village? Why not call him “warrior?” Or “warlord?” Or “wizard?”

      Also, the logline would be simpler if the w-guy just comes, not comes and comes again.

      Attempt to tighten an otherwise good logline. Unsolicited use of “wizard” ensues:

      “When a wizard burns his village, a distrustful werewolf teams with a rebellious human princess to stop him from starting a war between humans and fantasy creatures.”

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    4. Singularity

      Backstory clarification please:? why did the warrior kill off his own village, turn on his own people?? That deed establishes that the knight is a bad dude, but I don’t see how it foreshadows his present plan to start a war between humans and “fantasy creatures”?

      And how can he start a war involving “fantasy creatures” when by the very definition of the term, they are fanciful, imaginary — they don’t have a material existence?

      And why does it matter that there is a war? What are the stakes?? Why should the princess take on the knight unless the he poses a clear and present threat to her kingdom?? It does not seem to be clearly established what — if any – direct threat the knight poses to the princess and her realm.

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    5. Singularity

      I think this is a step in the right direction from previous attempts.

      Now you might just think about cutting word count a little.

      Then use that extra word space to explain why he must team with the princess. What makes her special. (Just one or two words if possible)

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