–
t3xx3rLogliner
When the town of Highsdale receives its demonic visitors through a mysterious Hellgate, a teenage high school student battles a malevolent evil seeking to break the lineage of the Huntresses and unleash a hellish apocalypse.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
For me this instantly read Buffy the Vampire Slayer (if it weren’t for the change of town name, I could have thought this was for the Examples section):
You didn’t mention a gender, but Richiev used ‘her’ in his rewrite and I wonder if this is because it suggested the same to him.
Don’t get me wrong, this is the kind of thing I can watch over and over again – in fact it’s the type of thing I’m trying to find an angle on at present. ?I suppose that’s my point, I’d be tempted to rethink an approach or angle where you’re offering the same kind of thing, only different enough to stand alone and peak someone’s interest.
“When her small town is invaded by demons, a reluctant high school student must use her family powers as a huntress to close the Hellgate the demons use to enter our reality in order to save her town.”
The town name Highsdale isn’t necessary because the name alone adds nothing to the overall setting description. Think of it as a character name, so try writing it as “an [adjective] town”?like you would with a character description.
(Keep in mind that names in loglines are highly frowned upon. This being said however I think you may have found an exception to this rule, I’ll get back to this later.)
The word “teenage” in the protagonist’s description is unnecessary because you can still get his/her youth across with the words “high school student”. Also could you perhaps clarify your protagonist’s gender with a “his” or “her” somewhere. Might make your character seem have a bit more presence in the story.
“Demonic visitors”, “mysterious Hellgate”, “malevolent evil”, “hellish apocalypse”. There’s too much repetition regarding your antagonistic force and this undermines your actual antagonists, the Huntresses, who sound far more interesting in name alone. Remember when I mentioned the exception to the rule? Well the Huntresses is perhaps just that, but I must make it clear that just because I like the Huntresses’ name doesn’t mean everyone else will, so you need to be smart as to how you use their name. I recommend turning the name into a noun. In doing this you’ve changed a name into a title (so that “Huntresses” would appear as “huntresses”) but this is ultimately up to you to decide.