When their worlds fall apart over the same week, three disenchanted, cash-strapped girlfriends make a pact to attempt three wild ways to make it big ? and get rich – fast.
BurgundyLogliner
When their worlds fall apart over the same week, three disenchanted, cash-strapped girlfriends make a pact to attempt three wild ways to make it big ? and get rich – fast.
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“When their worlds fall apart over the same week, three disenchanted, cash-strapped girlfriends make a pact to attempt three wild ways to make it big ? and get rich ? fast.”
The logline is vague. The inciting incident shouldn’t be “their worlds fall apart” but?how they fall apart. Likewise with “make a pact to attempt three wild ways to…” It is too vague. What exactly are these wild ways? ?Something like “make homemade videos” is not as vague as what you have.
Agree with Dkpough1 on both the inciting incident and the resulting action. ?They are vague, need to be fleshed out with specifics. ?Desperation drives people do all kinds of ?wild and crazy things. ?What are the specific wild and crazy actions these desperate characters take?
One specific is better than 3 non-specifics
I do think this idea has potential, sort of Zach and Miri make a porno meets Risky Business. With the right amount of good one liners and a compelling inciting incident it could do well.
But as for the logline you should…
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1: Give us the compelling and specific inciting incident.
2: You should give us a better understanding of the lead character. (It would help if there is contrast. If one of the lead characters is a devout christian but through terrible luck must become a stripper, it will help the story because of the internal conflict and raises the stakes)
3: Give us a specific example of what they will do to make money.
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Hope this helps, good luck with this!
Agreed with the above. All I will add is best to remove redundant descriptions for example “…over the same week…” has no impact on the story and the logline can do with out it.
I’m guessing the three friends’ worlds fall apart in different ways. Hence the generic “worlds fall apart” phrasing.
Here’s my try:
When three over-worked and underpaid girlfriends lose their jobs?they?make a pact to try three wild ways to get rich ? fast.
She works hard for the money, u hu huh. So hard for it honey. I digress….
Why do they they want to get rich? Are they just average everyday materialistic women? ?Or do they have a noble/interesting motivation. ?Why do we care about them?
Another thought is that you have a multi-protagonist plot, and while this is fine it’s much harder to pull off – a single protagonist plot is hard enough much less three of them. So you may want to consider the need for three main characters as your protagonists. Does the sotrygenuanly require three or can it do with one?
Either way, if you stay with three MCs you need to give them the same goal and course of action, otherwise the plot will feel fragmented.
When their worlds fall apart over the same week, three disenchanted, cash-strapped girlfriends make a pact to attempt three wild ways to make it big ? and get rich ? fast.
I don’t mind it. ?I see it as a comedy not a drama. ?I can see a crap load of comedy potential. ?The back half drifts off a bit. “make it big ? and get rich ? fast” are all sort of the same thing from a logline point of view. ? Plus disenchanted and fallen apart world, don’t need both. ?Here is how I would tighten it.
When their worlds fall apart in the same week, three cash-strapped girlfriends make a pact to attempt three wild ways to get rich quick.
Would make me want to read the synopsis. ?Remember logline is the appetizer not the first course.
Something to consider is to write a logline for each character. Maybe each of them has to get a different job that is unusual or not something they want to do.
For example, for one, it could be that she has to get a job cleaning the zoo.
I really like Dkpough’s ?idea of writing a separate logline for each character. ? If one of them seems so much more salient and interesting than the other two, consider putting her in the driver’s seat of the plot, the protagonist. ?The other two are passengers in her plot.
For instance, who 1st proposes the wild and crazy idea of doing something wild and crazy to get rich quick?
fwiw