Penpusher
Posted: 2016-11-06T20:32:06+10:00 In:

When twin vixens working in a Texas Diner have their freedom threatened by two bandits, they must face the evil lurking in their nightmares or they?ll be enslaved for eternity.

When twin vixens working in a Texas Diner have their freedom threatened by two bandits, they must face the evil lurking in their nightmares or they?ll be enslaved for eternity.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      This needs clarity. This line creates or questions than it answers.

      If we look at the line after the bandits, what does it mean?

      Try “they want”, “this is stopping them”, “therefore they must”

      Think of it this way. A director is look for a film to make. He knows his budget, so what has he learnt from your logline?

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    2. Mentor

      Yep, does seem to go off in a different direction after the first set up, which is fine as it has been done very well with movies like “Dusk till Dawn”, but this does feel a little disjointed. I don’t know if you said if they were drugged, that way you have a way into their psyche?
      Also, not sure why they have to be twins, unless they can be connected in someway, with one twin kidnapped, while the other enters her mind?

      I don’t think you have to play it safe a simple kidnapped / escape story, I am all for mixing the genres, but currently it just feels unconnected. That probably isn’t much help.

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    3. Singularity

      I agree with the the comments above.

      How does ‘facing the evil lurking in their nightmares’ stop the bandits at the diner?

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    4. Singularity

      A logline’s primary function is to describe a plot, and this is best constructed out of clear detail, not vague statements. You need to clearly describe the inciting incident and goal in order for a plot to come across, or risk a reader’s confusion.

      In your current draft you wrote: “…have their freedom threatened…”, I presume this is the inciting incident, but it isn’t clear what actually happened. If they were kidnapped specify it, if they were forced into slavery specify it, whatever it is that happened needs to be clear from the logline.

      You also wrote: “…they must face the evil lurking in their nightmares…”, but, as Richiev said, what does that mean in practical terms? What will they actually do? How will they “…face the evil…”? How will this help them?

      Lastly, what do they hope to achieve by facing the evil? This is their goal and needs to be made clear in the logline.

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