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You probably need to add the connection between him and the old west blind girl to the logline, so we can see why he needs to teach her piano.
“When a time loop turns a famous opera singer into a convict… He must go back in time and teach a blind girl the piano if he is to return the time line to it’s proper alignment and become a famous singer again”
When a hack?composer is sent back to the old west he is free to plagiarist every great song yet to be written, but when he meets a blind girl with real talent he helps her become the?first great American composer.
I think there are way too many moving parts, perhaps too many for a logline. ?As a result, number 1 seems to be missing an inciting incident, but the action doesn’t seem to connect with the goal/consequence. For 2. there seems to be no connection between the inciting incident and the action, the action and the goal. For number 3, the action and the goal seem to be disconnected. For number 4 the Inciting incident and the goal seem to be disconnected. Number 5’s inciting incident and goal seem to be disconnected, but are also far too loaded i.e. they raise a lot of questions i.e why is an incarcerated pianist sent back to save a girls life, is that person really the best person fro the job??I’d imagine if the genre were comedy, then this might not be a problem.
I think I was in the same boat as you. I had written a chunk of the synopsis then got stuck, THEN tried to write the logline, and I couldn’t fit what I had written into the logline formula. It was painful, but I had to ‘go back to formula’ (to quote a popular spider-man movie), in order to unstick myself. ?Hope this is helpful. Good luck, ChimCham 🙂
The fact that you come up with so many variations on the logline seems to be a symptom of too many moving parts in the plot.
And one of the most important moving parts isn’t even mentioned. ?To wit, ?how is it possible for him to trip back through time? ?Who enables him?
And why? What is their purpose in sending a prisoner back in time? What is at stake? ?Backwards and forwards in time, there a legions of people needing to be rescued. ?Why this blind girl? ?What is so important about her that she has been targeted to be rescued? ?And why, of all the possible rescuers, do they assign the mission to a criminal? ?If she’s so important, why don’t they send a doctor, or someone with demonstrated humanitarian impulses and skills?
The different story elements don’t work together in the one plot, mostly as a result of them lacking a cause and effect relationship.
Break the story down before trying again so you can better understand the story.
What is the first event that motivates the MC to take action?
Is it him becoming a musician? Is it him being arrested? Is it him being sent back in time? Or is it him discovering that the girl is the key to his musical career?
I think it’s the last one as it is the only thing that motivates him to take action, all the rest are planned events as part of his choices in life. Seeing as it’s the discovery, it’s the only event that needs to be described in the beginning, for example:
After he discovers that a blind girl in the old west is responsible for his musical genius, a time traveling convict must teach her piano to secure his career before he is sent back to the future.
My biggest concern with this concept is the lack of obstacle and cinematic action. Sure it’s harder to teach a blind person piano than a 20/20 person but it’s not impossible, and teaching piano is boring on screen – he doesn’t really do much else than sit and play.
Are there any bad guys he can fight or something else he can do that would make his action more seductive for a camera?