Logliner
Posted: 2018-12-22T00:48:16+10:00 In:

With his retirement stolen, a prideful steelworker and his coworkers attempt to steal their pensions back, only to find they aren’t the only ones after the money.

With his retirement stolen, a prideful steelworker and his coworkers attempt to steal their pensions back, only to find they aren’t the only ones after the money.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      This sounds interesting.
      Is there one single event that embodies their retirements being stolen? Best to specify that one event as the inciting incident, which motivates them to take action.

      For example: After his fund manager embezzles his retirement money, a metal-worker on the verge of retirement must recruit his colleagues to steal their rightful pensions back.

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    2. Singularity

      A lot of stealing going on, First the retirement money is stolen, then the Steelworkers decide to steal it back, only to discover a crew of thieves is also out to steal the steelworker’s stolen pension as well.
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      “When they discover a nefarious crew of thieves is out the steal the very pensions they were rightfully stealing?back, a betrayed group of steelworkers now have one day to infiltrate the corrupt steel companies corporate headquarters and steal the money before it is stolen from them for good.”

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    3. Singularity

      I think there’s definitely an interesting idea in here but the whole thing is a bit vague. We need to understand who or what the antagonistic forces working against them is/are. Who has stolen their pensions? Who else is after the money?

      “Prideful” why not just “proud”? The characteristic is often used to hint at the emotional journey the character is going to go on – is that the case here? If not, maybe consider another trait that gives us a clue about his arc.

      I’m guessing the hook here is a bunch of near retirement age guys pulling a heist although the age of all these characters is never specified so I’m making an assumption (never a good idea). I’d consider being more specific so we understand exactly who is in this group of characters as that will help us understand how the story will play out – dramatic, comedic, etc. It’s also an idea that I feel has been done before. Most recently with King of Thieves starring Michael Caine.

      Hope this helps.

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