The Whisper
Alan SmitheePenpusher
With nuclear attack on Israel looming, a hardened Mossad spy falls in love with her agent – the wife of an Iranian nuclear physicist.
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A logline is only 25 words (or less). Avoid any typos or grammatical errors.
The second word is missing already…
I know this is only a web site to get your loglines reviewed, not a production company. But still: you need to practice perfection. Stuff like this distracts and for people like me (with literally no time to waste) this is a terrible annoyance.
I can see that there is tremendous ironic power in this concept. Yet, I’m confused… Is this a political lesbian love story? Or is “her agent” another typo? Is the agent a counter-agent? Perhaps I’m not sufficiently au fait with the world of secret agencies but I didn’t know that spies by definition have agents.
See, with this error in the early part of the sentence, I’m not sure how to read the logline. Is it original or just sloppy?
In any case, I can see the potential of the story – but other than the lesbian angle (if it is there) I don’t see anything massively original. We have seen plenty of crime/spy stories where the hero falls in love with the antagonist – or with one of her team. Very ‘Bond’…
Thanks for the feedback, Karel. I find log-lines terribly difficult, perhaps more difficult than writing the script.
As a quibble, “nuclear attack” doesn’t necessarily require the “a”. “Israel faces nuclear attack” works perfectly well as a stand-alone sentence, as does “Israel faces a nuclear attack”. But while I’d suggest the error isn’t grammatical, I agree, in this case the “a” definitely helps clarify the sentence, so I’ll happily and gratefully (and, I hope, with grace) take that note.
Also, I’d explain the whole agent thing, but if I have to do that the log-line has clearly failed. So I won’t.
May I try again?
“With an attack on Israel looming, a Mossad spy must send her lesbian lover to seduce the head of Iran’s nuclear weapons programme”.
Now I am more confused than ever. Originally you said that she falls in love with the wife of the Iranian nuclear physicist. In the above you say she sends her lesbian lover to seduce the head of the weapons program…..Ah, lightbulb! So, the lover is a bisexual who is the wife of one of many Iranian physicists whom the Mossad agent falls in love with and seduces and then she sends her to seduce the head of the weapons programme? Is this a comedy, an X- rated sex romp among physicists? …. Seriously….what’s the game? Like Karel said, I don’t see an original story. Sorry.
Elizabeth, can I ask why you mashed the two loglines together? I did say the second version was another try at the logline. It’s not an addendum to the original.
I appreciate your interest, both of you, but I’m scratching my head to understand where any of this is helping me. I may bow out of the whole thing, with respect.