Penpusher
Posted: 2015-10-06T05:19:41+10:00 In:

A secret society of Torah zealots ask a baker who can see into the past to join them in ridding the world of pagan idols but when she refuses, the government offers her a deal of freedom from a troubled past to become a mole and deliver the elusive society to them.

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    4 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      I don’ t think we understand how her special ability of seeing into the past is needed by the pagan zealots. So it comes across as a bunch of disparate elements.

      You do have some interesting elements in the mix-
      -A person?with a special ability…which has gotten her into trouble before
      -A secret society
      -The government

      It could be really cool, but it’s not clear to me how it all ties together.
      Also, the entire logline describes a decision point for the protagonist, not the main plot line.

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    2. Mentor

      Hello,

      I find it quite confusing, I agree with those who said you should to focus on the (one, clear) inciting event (what puts the story in motion).

      I suggest also to state the time/place (I’m still not sure if it’s before christ or today) , and to avoid the word “zealots” maybe it’s just me but I had to look on the dictionary. For me, a “jewish sect” could?be enough to characterize the opponent.

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    3. Singularity

      Not sure that the beginning and end of the story are clear.
      What starts her off on her journey? Being asked to help the religious zealots or being offered the deal by the government?
      It reads as if? there are two plots established in the logline but neither seam to have a clear goal or high stakes.

      Also “…freedom from a troubled past…”? is too vague a description to fit well in a logline what specifically did she do and what specifically is she being offered by the government?

      Lastly the stakes are unclear because we don’t know what it is about the elusive society that is so dangerous to make the government invest resources to stop them.

      Hope this helps.

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    4. Singularity

      How does her being able to see into the past serve the zealot’s purpose of ridding the world of idolatry in the present?

      >>> freedom from a troubled past

      ??? A pardon for a crime? ?If so, I think it would be simpler to just say so.

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