Working title: MISSLE (or GOD OF DESTRUCTION) Logline: After helplessly witnessing his brother murdered by a vicious gang, a disabled man in LA sets out one night on his homemade killing machine to seek vengeance.
FmaSamurai
Working title: MISSLE (or GOD OF DESTRUCTION) Logline: After helplessly witnessing his brother murdered by a vicious gang, a disabled man in LA sets out one night on his homemade killing machine to seek vengeance.
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Really good suggestion by Richiev.
on a side note. Your story needs a side character that helps the audience relate to the lead character by seeing the lead though their eyes. Part of what helped us understand Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino is he side relationships with the family next door. (And the young priest)
The good news is, the gang your lead character is after probably made enemies among the neighborhood, ?at a keep point the meek neighbors should take up arms and help the lead out.
This sounds awesome and nuts. I’m in.
This concept reminds me a lot of The Purge: Anarchy.? I would be curious as to what make your concept different.? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not say it can’t work but it would be a question a producer would ask you.
How is his brother viciously murdered?? Not really a hook for me, many action/thriller scripts have this.? At this point it’s just noise.
How disabled is he? ?How does a disabled man get around?? Again, don’t know the character so there is no real connection to care at this early stage.
WTF?is?this ?homemade killing machine?, and what does it look like?? This would be your hook right now, but it’s still a been there done that type deal.? However adding the disabled man into this home made machines is interesting and different.? I would really focus on that part.? That’s your answer to the question “what makes it different” in my opinion.
Agree with Nir Shelter. ?The goal is purely negative. ?Worse, the character seems to have succumbed to the Jungian Shadow, aka the Captain Ahab syndrome (in Moby Dick). ?As Nietzsche put it: ??He who fights with monsters should be careful lest thereby becomes a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee.? (Beyond Good and Evil)
The protagonist has become the evil he seeks to destroy. (He’s obviously fueled by a lot of 100 octane rage and hate to be able to invest all that time, effort, ingenuity and expense to build the “killing machine”. ) ?Is that the character arc you intend for your main character? ?To ?transform him from a nice guy into an avenging angel? ?To have your main character’s soul self-destruct even if his body survives the ordeal? ?Or do you have some other character arc in mind?
I believe this logline is better than the previous attempt.
Dkpough1 does give a good logline example.
Also I do agree with Nir; if your character has a positive goal (Not just revenge) that would help the logline as well.
Hi FMA.
I just moderated your original post to fix the word count issue. So you know, the logline section is reserved for loglines only, any questions, comments or responses should be posted bellow in the thread.
About your logline:
I like it, it has a Mad Max feel and could be made into a nice low-budget action adventure. However, I believe that the goal (as previously noted) is negative and could use a more empathetic angle. In other words, give him a noble aspiration to coincide with his vengeful need – rescue a kidnaped person or prevent another killing, whatever it is we, the audience, can hang our hat on to call him a good guy.
“After helplessly witnessing his brother murdered by a vicious gang, a disabled man in LA?sets out one night on his homemade killing machine to seek vengeance.”
Before responding to the rest of what you typed, I will look at the logline on its own. I see what you’re trying to do with inciting incident, but I think maybe some rewording could help. Otherwise, what’s really wrong is that even though you have clear, specific inciting incident, the rest is vague. What kind of disabled? Paralyzed? What disability would greatly affect his ability to get revenge? What is his homemade killing machine? Seek vengeance against whom? The gang leader? Every gang member? Every one of the ones involved in his brother’s death?
Here’s my example:?After a street gang murders his brother in front of him, a paralyzed engineer must use his weaponized wheelchair to avenge his brother’s death. (24)
Now, the hook would probably be that a disable man is taking up vigilante activity, with a homemade weapon, no less. This is no Matt Murdoch, no Daredevil with his enhanced senses and ninja skills, it’s a normal guy at a disadvantage. The hook shouldn’t be an omission of information that is vital to the plot. The hook should be dangled out, bait to get attention. If your hook is this killing machine you’ve thought of, something unlike anything ever seen before, then it should be out front and center.
As for the idea for the story, I see two things. One is originality. Sure, maybe this killer bike is awesome and cool, but the only thing I thought of when I was reading was ‘The Punisher gets a bike with guns.” Or even just Batman who kills(or you know, just Zack Synder’s version, just in a wheelchair.) The second thing is the antagonist. One of the major criticisms of vigilante or superhero films is that their villains are just meat sacks who are evil. I suggest creating a specific antagonist(s), someone who wants something specific, someone who has motivation and isn’t just the last guy to be gunned down.
I suggest using the gang leader or his/her second in command. Why did this person want his brother dead? What will it accomplish? Why are they in this gang?
Something I do is create a logline for all major characters. Protagonist, mentor, antagonist, side character. Why does Angel help?
I hope this helps.
Logline:?
After helplessly witnessing his brother murdered by a vicious gang, a disabled man in LA?sets out one night on his homemade killing machine to seek vengeance.
HOOK(S):?
How is his brother viciously murdered?
How disabled is he? ?How does a disabled man get around?
WTF?is?this ?homemade killing machine?, and what does it look like?
Quick INCOMPLETE idea/ jist:
Adi is a devout Hindu Indian man. ?His disabled brother Krishna is also Indian and Hindu. ?Adi works the snack shop counter of a gas station. ?Sometimes Adi bring?s Krishna with him just to keep him company.? There?s a Mexican mechanic named Angel (pronounced Aan-Hell), who works the little car repair garage attached to the snack shop. Angel has a very nice relationship with Adi and Krishna. Angel happens to be an Iraqi war veteran with two tours under his belt.
Before moving to LA, Adi was an auto rickshaw operator is Mumbai, India. ?Adi?has always liked motorcycles and by chance Angel is also a bike enthusiast so naturally they click and chat about bikes all time time.
One late night when Adi is working and Krishna is there with him a group of men rob the snack shop, murder Adi, and?flip Krishna?s wheelchair so he?s laying there in his brother?s blood staring into Adi?s dead eyes.
Angel is not present during the robbery.
It is then?Angel who helps Krishna build the killing machine by taking a BMW S1000rr, armor plating it, adding all sorts of performance parts, weaponizing it somehow ..ak 47 maybe idk,? and who knows what else. ?It?s possible that when Krishna is on the bike, Angel is with him on headset (or better yet watching a live real time feed Go-Pro) during the entire night Krishna is hunting and killing the criminals who killed his brother. ?Off the bike Krishna has terrible coordination and can?barely walk. ?On the?bike he is?able to move his fingers and feet to control the bike.
Maybe Angel is feeding krishna information also (like real time traffic information, stoplight timing information, maybe remote places to quickly gas up).
As for the gang, I haven?t thought about the ethnicity, but maybe it could be?something unorthodox like a cold, sadistic North Korean, Anti- american Kim Jong Un worshipping cell (made up of koreans and some wayward african americans and whites and whoever whom ALL pledge allegiance to Kim Jong Un).
All of this isn?t fully fleshed out but I would like your feedback (and anyone else?s) if you have time.
Thanks guys