Categories: Thriller
Clarification: my response applies to the "... she turns his brutal methods against him to seize his empire."
Better of the two, IMHO. And at 23 words in length, a quick and easy read.
Or this:
When a naive American teen is kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, she must use his brutal methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
Hmmm...The protagonist of the story is the girl, so it's important (to me, at least) that she be the focus of the logline. Here's a more simplified version:
When a naive American teen is kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, she turns his brutal methods against him to seize his empire.
Sorry, but [to mangle more metaphors] it seems to me this version of the logline is rather busy; it juggles so many balls in the air, it is difficult for a me to get a clear picture of the plot in ONE READING.
Empasis on ONE READING: Studio suits are very busy, have short attention spans and in the age of the internet have so many distractions, so many excuses to pass on your project. Your logline has only got one chance, 5-10 seconds, to make a strong first impression, to immediately grab and a studio executive's attention, stimulate interest.
[To tell you the truth, at the moment, I'm more curious about the character and story line of the drug lord. After all, he is the one who provides the inciting incident, sets the plot in motion. Not saying you should rework the plot to make him the protagonist. It's your story. But writing a logline for the nemesis/antagonist can be useful in clarifying and strengthening the protagonist 's character and plot line.
After all, every credible villain believes he's the hero of the story.]
FWIW
I greatly appreciate your attention to and insights into this logline!
She is not so much timid as naïve -- ie, not fully formed yet, inexperienced, though with an incipient toughness. How’s this:
When a naive American teen is kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord and groomed to be his bride, she discovers he was her mother’s secret lover…and uses his ruthless methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
Another thought:
How about "timid American teen" rather than a "sheltered American teen"?
Shelter is her initial situation. Whereas timid is her initial character trait. Unlike "sheltered", it signals what her character arc will be as the plot plays out. That is, she will go from being a timid teen girl to a formidable "tiger" woman.
FWIW
>>>discovers a shocking family secret
Alas, vague. A "shocking discovery" is a standard plot device. If a logline includes a discovery, it should be revealed in the logline because the specific nature of the discovery is, or ought to be, a unique selling point,
A primary purpose of the logline is to pitch the unique selling point, the factor that makes this script stand out in the huge herd of scripts of the same genre and similar plot.
To mix and mangle metaphors, a logline should sell the sizzle, not the steak. What's the sizzle in your story?
Thanks, that is gerat and is sure bare bones. I would just like to add the word "sheltered," to highlight her changing arc from beginning to end. Also, thinking about adding "she discovers a shocking family secret" to distinguish it from a standard revenge thriller.
When a sheltered American teen is kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, she discovers a shocking family secret...and uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
For your consideration:
When an American teenager is kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, she learns to use his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
(24 words)
That, imho, is the essence of the plot. A logline is a statement of the plot stripped down to the essential elements. The rest is embellishment. Save the embellishment for the elevator pitch.
fwiw
Thank you for your thoughtful assessment. Either of these any better?
When a sheltered American teen is kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord and groomed to become his bride, she discovers he was her late mother's secret lover and uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
or:
When a sheltered American teen is kidnapped in Bangkok and falls for her mysterious rescuer, she discovers he was her late mother's secret lover and the criminal kingpin who abducted her.
An intriguing premise--but confusing (to me, anyway). And, alas, the logline is too long.
"KISS: keep it simple stupid" and "Less is More" are 2 inviolate rules for loglines. The effectiveness of a logline diminishes after a certain length. As a general rule of thumbs, 25 words marks the red line between effective and ineffective. Any logline longer than 40 words is DOA--dead on arrival.
The current version of this logline comes in at 42 words.
One confusing element is the motivation for killing the crime lord. It seems to me that being kidnapped and forced to marry the crime lord is sufficient motivation for wanting to kill him. Discovering later that her mother was his lover (implying she's being forced into an incestuous relationship) is an interesting midpoint reveal that would amplify her motivation. But it's too much intel to cram into a logline.
A logline usually focuses on story elements before the midpoint. More to the point, a logline should sell the story elements that will grab a studio executive's attention in the 1st ten pages of the script, hook an audience's interest in the 1st ten minutes of the movie.
What are those elements? What's the grab? What's the hook?
fwiw
