A troubled man who was kept in a zombie like state for a number of years begins to regain his independance, but as he discovers, freedom is more than just his state of mind.

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devils breath

5 reviews

dogger · Singularity · 87,055 pts

>>his quest for freedom requires more than his state of mind.

So what is he going to do? What's his game plan, his objective goal?

lewisricekrispy · Samurai · 795 pts

thanks for the input. I have had a jig around, but was wondering whether mentioning my antagonist first confuses who my story is about.
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The sinister ambitions of a military scientist kept a man in a zombie like state. But as he begins to regain his independence, he discovers that his quest for freedom requires more than his state of mind.

Thanks

Daniel McCullough · Penpusher · 60 pts

Right now it's too vague. For example, what was keeping him in a zombielike state? Also, 'stuff like "number of years" don't matter - they're a waste of priceless logline real estate.

Richiev · Singularity · 58,825 pts

Does your lead character have a goal? That might be a good starting point for your logline.

Krispy Kitchen · Penpusher · 65 pts

Hi Lewis - there's something interesting in there... the key problem is lack of specifics I think. When you say troubled, do you mean he had a mental illness? is that why he was kept in a zombie like state?
I'm not entirely clear on what is at stake, what his goal is and what his obstacle is. I do think its all in there conceptually but it's more inside your head that in the logline itself as written above.