Categories: Superhero
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Strengths Active protagonist Clear goal Real stakes
Needs work Named antagonist Filmable incident Keep it simple
Dual protagonist stories are often more powerful than those with just one.
But selling them in a logline is hard.
You now have two clear protagonists, two goals, but no inciting event. What kicks off the story?
There is no need to state explicitly that "their parallel journeys slowly transform how they see each other" because if done well, this is what happens in about every dual protagonist story.
I would leave the word "slowly" out of any summary document because I believe it works against you on a subliminal level.
(Also, 'slowly transform how they see each other' is internal, not filmable.)
How to get to a better logline? Pick one of the two woman as the focus.
Whomever you pick, give her a concrete inciting event and reinforce the external stakes you already set up: the election and the promotion.
Here's the Logline Medic's 'bad version' logline:
"When her daughter dismisses her as just a homemaker, an overlooked Indian mother in Sydney runs for local council against the entrenched incumbent, determined to win a seat before her family writes her off for good."
But you know your story better, so what is the better logline?
Strengths Active protagonist Named antagonist Cause & effect Filmable incident Clear goal Real stakes Keep it simple Action, not decision Every detail earns its place
Needs work No hedging
-remove hoping
As an educated Indian homemaker in Sydney runs for local council to reclaim the identity her daughter no longer sees, and that daughter fights for a director promotion, their parallel battles to be taken seriously transform how they see each other.
Strengths Active protagonist
Needs work Cause & effect Clear goal Keep it simple Every detail earns its place
A logline is a verbal snapshot of the plot. In photography, there should be -- and can be --only one focal point. Likewise, the verbal snapshot of the plot should have one, and only one, clear focal point.
Unfortunately, in this logline I am unable to determine what is the focal point of the plot. The mother winning an election? The daughter winning a promotion? The relationship between the mother and daughter? A cultural identity struggle?
FWIW, the potential focal point that hooks my interest is the cultural identity struggle.
