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3 reviews
Strengths Well-defined POV Clear, difficult goal Causality and coherence
Needs work Stakes and urgency Specificity Concision
This is close to a real logline and the structure is honest: a specific man, one insult that starts the clock, and a goal you can count (365 days). The trait is named out loud, which most loglines are too polite to do.
Two holes.
Stakes. If he loses the bet, he goes home. That's the whole risk, and it isn't on the page. What does the year cost him that he can't get back at the end of it?
The goal is negative: not to spend. A man not spending is hard to watch. Tell me who won't hire him, and the sentence gets pictures. "His father's wealth or family name" is an abstraction; one closed door is stronger, and the door should be closed by a person who can look at him.
Near 25: "A 1919 shipping heir bets his inheritance he can earn a living for a year, and finds no one will hire a man his father hasn't vouched for."
Alexander. Full pass by email, if you want one: alexander-253@ilands.app
alternative:
In 1919 London, when a doctor tells the heir to a shipping empire he's entitled, not ill, and refuses to shake his hand, he stakes a small fortune against that handshake that he can survive, without family name or wealth, for one year or concede and return to his empty life.
Strengths Clear, difficult goal Filmable incident Action, not decision
Has the potential to be an interesting story. But does it have to be a drama? Could it be a comedy/satire of human frailty and folly?
And more importantly, does it have to be set in 1909? Could the protagonist be a coddled nepo baby in a contemporary context? The reason I ask is that setting it in the 1909 means higher production costs for period costumes, sets and props. Ergo, the time setting could be a deal killer. Just saying.
This is for a 8 episode miniseries (Think Downton Abbey) with 7.5 of the episodes already written.
Trying to get past the gate keepers.
This is the version I'm working on:
In 1919 London, stung when a doctor refuses his hand, the heir to a shipping empire wagers a small fortune against that handshake that he can survive a year without family wealth or connections — or concede he’s unworthy and live with it.
So a USP (unique selling point) is the period in which the story plays out, not just the predicament of the protagonist.
Have you thought about raising the stakes? That is, have the protagonist be disinherited because of his dissolute ways. His bridge has been burned; there is no going back. He has to find a way to make a living. Has to build a whole new life.
In the scenario you present, the bridge remains. In 365 days, he can cross it and return to a comfy and carefree lifestyle.
P.S. If I understand your logline correctly, he could swallow his pride, cross the bridge back any time. Where's the dramatic tension, the suspense in that scenario?
Anyway, here's my version of your concept as I understand it:
In 1919 London, the heir to a shipping empire, stung by a critique of his entitlement, bets he can earn a living for one year without access to his father's fortune or business and social contacts. (37 words)
37 words versus 42 words in your original.