Leaving her shattered acting dream behind, a desperate woman finds a dead body in a motel. To escape the local police chief, she poses as an FBI agent who has disappeared with $10 million. How long can she keep up this lie before the police, the FBI or the local mafia catch her?

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2 reviews

This is doing a lot without any real connection. What is her goal? She should have the pursuit of a goal be the reason she quit acting and the discovery of the body introduce the obstacles. Right now it doesn't seem like she has any goal other than evading authorities, but why should we care?

Strengths Active protagonist

Needs work Clear, difficult goal Specificity Causality and coherence

Why is she desperate?

The causation between finding the dead body and needing to escape from the police is missing a link. We need to understand what went wrong when finding this dead body that prompts the actions for the rest of the story.

The FBI plot line needs more detail and maybe some refining to make it more plausible. In it's current state it feels to easy and I don't buy it. Also how is the actual FBI agent going to tie into the story?

The final sentence is redundant. It doesn't fit a logline and is more suited for a movie trailer or piece of marketing. Also the mafia is tacked on with no real link to the rest of the logline.

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