Categories: SciFi
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Nir Shelter has zoomed in on the central and selling feature, the hook of the story: ?When a man genetically designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman, he must..." ?
Well, he must do what?
To repeat, you don't need to shoe horn in the notion that he's ?exercising free choice instead of adhering to his programming. ?That's implicit in the complication that boots up the plot, his falling in love with another woman.
If you want to wax philosophical on that abstract point in the script, knock yourself out. ?But not in the logline. ?The logline ?is a sales tool with ?a primary directive: grab attention, whet interest in reading the script. In the fewest possible words. ? In loglines, less is more effective and more is less effective.
An logline that sells is about flesh and blood people in conflict. ?Not fleshless, bloodless abstractions.
I think you've got ?a strong hook. I give it a thumbs up. ?It just needs a polish.
fwiw
Nir Shelter has zoomed in on the central and selling feature, the hook of the story: ?When a man genetically designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman, he must..." ?
Well, he must do what?
To repeat, you don't need to shoe horn in the notion that he's ?exercising free choice instead of adhering to his programming. ?That's implicit in the complication that boots up the plot, his falling in love with another woman.
If you want to wax philosophical on that abstract point in the script, knock yourself out. ?But not in the logline. ?The logline ?is a sales tool with ?a primary directive: grab attention, whet interest in reading the script. In the fewest possible words. ? In loglines, less is more effective and more is less effective.
An logline that sells is about flesh and blood people in conflict. ?Not fleshless, bloodless abstractions.
I think you've got ?a strong hook. I give it a thumbs up. ?It just needs a polish.
fwiw
This logline is difficult to understand. As a writer, you need to find a way for the logline to be less taxing on the reader. The easier it is for them to understand the greater the chance of them reading the script, the harder it is the less likely they are to request it and pass.
The other importent aspect of a logline is to demonstrate your ability as a writer, in other words, being efficiant with your words to say more with less.
Study the formula tab up top for more information on logline conventions. In the meantime, here are a few tips in relation to your concept:
- Your main character is a lab made man, replica or clone who has gone rogue - describe him as such. For example:
After a human replica, designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman he must...
- ? The main obstacle and action are unclear "...must battle his original creator and society's hell-bent effort..." could mean any number of things. He could literaly battle his creator in a fist fight, argue morals, or threaten to bomb the city unless he or she publicly acknowledge the MC's right to love freely.? Best you specify what the MC will do and what is stopping him.
-? The goal is vague "...his driven pursuit of true love." What is the one way in which the audience will know the MC has achieved "...true love."? Does he want to marry the woman he loves? Does he want to live with her? What is it specifically he needs to achieve in order to have true love?
