by Disruptive · Logliner · 160 pts
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When you say "schoolgirl" do you mean 5 year old or 15 year old? I'm assuming that she's at a boarding school or similar? This makes a pretty big difference to the story and it's the sort of thing that a reader will struggle to visualise if you're not more specific.
yqwertz's feedback is great. I agree that the I.I. and the goal are currently just simply too broad. I struggle to visualise any of it because there seems like so much for her to do and I don't understand how a schoolgirl has the ability to do all of that.
yqwertz's version is really good. I would take that as a starting point and adapt that into the story you want to tell. Narrow the scope and give us some more specifics.
Definitely think there's a story in here though so stick with it!
Hope this helps.
I'm a bit unsure about how to re-post. But here is a rework of the logline idea.
When the local mining company brings in external workers, the town of Hope apathetically slides towards it's death. Slut-shamed 17 year old school girl, Tim, challenges the locals, the politicians and the mining billionaires into establishing a renewable energy business, in a frantic effort to save the town - and herself.
Great suggestion by yqwertz.? I would suggest the addition of one word:
When she discovers an abandoned gold mine has contaminated the drinking water in her rural outback town, a disgraced school girl must expose the politicians who are covering it up before everyone falls ill.
Something similar has actually happened in the rural Western community where I grew up.? Leachate of arsenic and? heavy metals into the river from an abandoned mine.? And it's an? ongoing environmental hazard with abandoned mines all over the West.
